Don’t say I never taught you nothin’

When I was about 6 or so my mother bought me this beautiful cloth doll at a boutique next to Casa Bonita. My favorite childhood restaurant. Yes, it really exists, South Park didn’t make it up. Anyway, I loved this doll. She had lovely brown yarn hair and a big pink bow, a gorgeous pink dress with cabbage roses on it and a skirt that could be taken off and worn as a bonnet. I loved her. I also loved playing at Viele Lake with Dub. Our moms would walk us down there and we would be tortured by feed the geese and play on the playground. Of course I wanted to take my gorgeous doll to show Dub. And by show her, I mean rub it in that I not only got to go to Casa Bonita, but got a doll too. Buuuuuuuuuuurn, sister!

My mom said no, let’s not bring your brand new beautiful doll. I said, Mumsy how dare you deny me the opportunity to make Dub jealous! Also, we both know I’m gonna win this one and time’s a wastin’! Off we went to the Lake with my doll and headed di-rectly to the playground. Dub, Doll and I made it about 5 or so rounds on the roundabout thingy before Doll went flying off and landed in the sandy water that had collected by the spinning toy. Sobs, distress, screaming ensued.  Doll. Was. Ruined. Apparently her insides were made of scraps of fabric and when dampened the color ran from her insides to her out, marring her beautiful cream complexion with spots and streaks of brownish red.

She was thenceforth known as The Doll With The Skin Disease.

I still loved her.

You may not know this about me but I am pale. I don’t just mean white – I mean see through white. When I was pg you could could plan to motor west on route 66 on my belly. I feared ultrasounds might be unnecessary. Just hold a flashlight up to my huge swollen stomach and see him dance!

I attended Catholic school for a while in junior high. It was a hoot and all the girls were suuuuuuuuuuper nice. They gave me cute nicknames like Morticia, Elvira and Casper. Like the Ghost. My mother was quick to point out that Casper was the friendly ghost, but that was of no consolation to me.

And thus, in the 8th grade I began my Life Long Love Affair/Hundred Years War with self tanning products. I started with good old Coppertone. It came out of the bottle orange and I slathered it all over my spindly white legs, tossed on my light blue denim skirt, pink shirt, purple eyeliner and headed off to junior high. It was in gym class (which I was sitting out of, natch) that I looked down and saw myself. Oh. God. I resembled a monochromatic Jackson Pollack leg painting. It was horrible. I went to the bathroom and cried. The problem: I was and continue to be, a dress wearing freak. I love dress and skirt. Love them. And my legs, well…they get seen.I even went so far as to try a tanning bed once. They laughed at me. Laughed. At. Me. But those year book epitaphs always rang in my head

Get a taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. {They haunt me.} Keep in touch, get a taaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

The whole while Dub just laughed and laughed since she tans if you turn on a bright light. She and I spent the summer laying out on my roof covered in baby oil. Awesome. We were the epitome of brilliant in our youth, as you can see. She tanned and said buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn sister.

And I did. Then I peeled and was white again.

Finally, better living through chemistry has caught up with my paleness (somewhat) and I have now entered an exclusive monogamous relationship with Jergens self tanner (no animal testing!)

A helpful hint before the weekend: if you run out of shaving cream may I suggest that if you do use your creamy facial wash as a substitute you make sure it doesn’t include a make up remover in the formula.

If you do, your legs might quickly resemble The Doll With The Skin Disease.

Not that I did that.

15 thoughts on “Don’t say I never taught you nothin’

    • No, I would never do such a thing. I am clearly to smart to make such a mistake. But just for the record…if you DO happen to over self tan then make up remover does work.

      Or so I’ve been told. 🙂

  1. I had never considered that face wash might do that…That is quite good to know. Glad you didn’t do it tho… ;o) I usually manage to turn my hands orange, er, “tan.” I do wash them afterward, but apparently I’m not washing right. Perhaps my “water, soap, rub, water, dry” approach is atypical of women who self-tan… :

    On a side note, those are great shoes…

  2. Did I mention that I did the very same thing with something called TANfastic in the 10th grade?? Turned my legs and the palms of both my hands orange.. and so a family tradition was born!

  3. Hey! I saw your introduction on the BlogFrog SITS community and I thought I’d come by and say hello, since I’m also in Metro DC. Now I see we have even more in common, since I’m also nearly see-through – except I have a really warped sense of self-esteem and think it’s hot to show my pasty white legs.

    • Really? Did you try the Loreal? That one works for ummmm, another pale person in my household who shall remain nameless but who shall see you on friday.

      Max of course. Toddlers and Tiaras, right?

  4. I am new to your blog and I was just watching your vlog above this thinking wow she has really beautiful skin! I say rock it girl!

    I love Jergens I just always lack the patience to actually apply it correctly but I do love it. Very little smell and it looks natural. I’m so happy to have found your blog.

  5. Pingback: Friday Fabulousness~ It’s the little things. | Minky {moo} Motherhood & Mimosas

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