Father’s Day when you never knew him.

TOTT and The Boss {1/2 hour old}
It’s Father’s Day. Until I married my husband I never really even noticed when this day was. We never celebrated it growing up, because my father passed away when I was very young. 18 months old to be exact. And no one ever talks about him. My mother will, when pressed and in the right mood. And as my grandparents get older, every once in a while they will let a story about him slip out.
I hold on to those stories like precious rubies. How my mother and he were on dates with other people when they met. How when he was at the Louvre someone walked up to him and just started chatting at him and he had no idea who it was. How every payday he would bring my mom Mums, because those are her favorite flowers. How silly he was and how much he wanted me.

Those few things are held close to my heart. He wanted me. He loved me. I don’t have a single memory of him, having been so young when he died and I try so hard to replay those few moments when his LIFE was shared with me, those stories of him alive.

I know almost every detail of his death, I’ve gone over and over it. I read all the articles, I’ve read as much as I could take crying til I vomited. Such a young man, such a good man and such a horrible end.

The effects of a violent crime wave through more than just one person who is killed, and echo through a generation I feel those ripple effect every day and to say I was messed up over it as a child and teenager would not do it justice. But as I grow up I feel his loss in a new way. The loss as a mother. What my grandmother must have gone through. The loss of her baby boy…who brought her joy as The Boss brings it to me.

Along with that comes a healing and a happiness brought to me by my son.

The Boss is 23 months old now, but by 18 months I knew his favorite song (something in the way she moves) his favorite toy (elmo, natch), how he liked to be rocked to sleep, his favorite book (sweet dreams mimi), his favorite food (avacado), his favorite everything. I knew what every noise he made  meant, the real ones and the ‘I’m faking it to get your attention’ ones, how he loved to help me vacuum the house and how he was afraid of ketchup bottles. I knew how to make him laugh and soothe his tears. I knew him.

And so it stands to reason that my father knew me. My son has brought me a greater joy than I even knew could have been possible. He has opened my heart up a million-fold. I cannot remember life before him having as a great a meaning as it does now, with him in this world. My heart nearly bursts every time he races to me and throws his chubby little arms around my neck crying “Mommy!” It explodes when I see him do the same with TOTT. He waits for TOTT to come home and cheers when he walks in the door. I hope I did that for my Dad.

I can only hope that in those 18 months I brought half as much happiness to my Daddy as The Boss has brought to me.

So if you’ll indulge me:

Happy Father’s Day Daddy, I love you. I always will. Memories or not, I love you. I can only think that you brought me to TOTT, and to his father who is a good man. I’m well looked after now by the both of them. Thank you. I hope you know that I will tell The Boss all about you, everything I know about your life when he wonders where his other grandfather is. I’ll tell him how much you would have loved him, how much we all do. I feel your loss every minute of every day. I will never forget you.

I love you Daddy, I’m proud to be your daughter.

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10 thoughts on “Father’s Day when you never knew him.

  1. And how proud he would be of you. Hi pride andjoy,thebaby withthe bubbly laugh and sweet smile thathe rushed home to see onhis lunch hour! All grown up, sparkling, beautiful, warm and witty, (as he was) with a great sense of family and fun! He would swell with pride to see the precious baby he held and tossed in the air, be the accomplished, marvelous mom of a so, so special grandbaby. I know that he would love to hold Max close, and share that pride in both of you with the world.
    He is never forgotten. He lives in you and your child, every day.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I lost my father to cancer about 7 years ago. He never had the opportunity to be a part of my younger two children’s lives … this post made me cry as I remeber him. I am so sorry for your loss.

  3. Beautiful, beautiful. What a wonderful way to remember him, and to “know” how much he loved you & felt your love. Hugs to you.

  4. Don’t make me cry MinkyMoo. I am so sorry that you weren’t able to have Daddy there and that no one will speak of him to give you the chance to at least savor in his memory. And how lucky is The Boss to have both YOU and his Daddy?

    Super Lucky!

  5. All I can say is this truly made me cry. I’m in that sucky “club” too. ( remember Grey’s, when George lost his dad). Yeah that one. it’s brutal, it hurts, you want to pound your fist against something until it stops! You want just one more day. One minute, would do!

    Hugs, Stephanie!

  6. What a sweet, sweet, tender post. It made me a little teary. Mostly because I can NOT imagine my life without my Dad. And the fact that you never got to really know yours…bah! My husbands Dad was killed when he was 7 months old. It is absolutely heartbreaking to feel with him the pain he STILL has over this. AND worse, the anxiety and stress he went through when each of our kids turned 7 months old. He lived in this paralyzing fear that his kids wouldn’t know him, like something might happen to HIM at that age of our kids. So awful.

    Anyway, I’m so happy that you have such a great husband and beautiful son, and all seems to be working in your favor.

    Final thought….for whatever reason, after you made the move to your new site..it will NOT show new updates on my blog sidebar. Hence why i haven’t been around to comment. Your name has gotten buried down there on the side, and isn’t showing new updates. I’m sorry, ’cause I’ve missed you, that’s for sure. I’ve got a bunch to catch up on.

  7. To anyone in “the club” Father’s day is something sweet and sad. I also wish my father could have been here to meet my son. Maybe my dad and your dad are in heaven showing each other pictures of their grandchildren and having a beer together.

  8. How I wish we didn’t share this in common.
    So much of what you’ve shared here are things that I’ve thought so many times.
    I see my husband with my daughter and I see what might have been and I’m so grateful that she has what I didn’t.
    Wishing you a heart full of peace…

  9. Reading that made my heart ache for you. And I know you turned out fine – but to think of having to grow up without your dad (especially because of a violent crime) makes me want to cry. So glad that you have been able to get a better understanding of who your dad was and how he felt about you through your relationships with others. Great post.

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