I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell.

The Boss shows a great deal of promise in the painting arena. Promise that we are both still covered in paint. 

Toddlers are strange, strange little creatures. It’s like living with a tiny scizophrenic these days and I never know which baby I am getting. Today I just hoped that when he woke up from his nap he would like me again. 

Actually first I prayed he would NAP for love  of all things holy. He did. But just barely. 

Today? In a word…it sucked. Or rather I sucked. I sucked at motherhood, and really is there anything worse to suck at? I’m not any good at this lately. It’s like the game has changed and no one told me the new rules. I am confused and sad and exhausted from saying:

 NO DO NOT EAT THAT and DO NOT STAND ON THE GUITAR! 

I heard myself sounding exasperated and mean, sounding mean while speaking to my baby. It killed me a little but really how many times do I have to tell him to hold my hand and stay on the sidewalk!? Apparently 20 million more. 

 I’m tired. And sad. Dissapointed in myself for not having a reserve of patience and kindness. I need a break. But I don’t want anyone to spell me, I don’t want to hand him off to someone else. I want to be good at this, to be kind and patient even during the tantrums.

Today I booked an acting job. I keep forgetting I am an actor. It’s small but legit. I was too harried to be too excited about it. Then  there were union problems. Somehow amidst raising a baby and moving a bunch of times some things slipped through the cracks.  Union problems that needed to be handled before I film. Tomorrow. While TOTT worked his magic to make everything work out for me and the union handled everything over the phone, The Boss dumped a package of mini wheats on the couch.

They’re still there because I just.can’t. right now.

I’m working on a footstool and a chair  now. He wanted to paint them. I let him. I couldn’t stand one more tantrum today. I am glad I did. Despite the mess and the fact that I will surely have to redo them, for ten minutes we had fun. We laughed and even though I am covered in paint, it was a small price to pay.

I’m hoping that he went to sleep tonight thinking of those moments instead of hearing my strident voice ringing out:

 SIT DOWN IN THE BATH. NO JUMPING IN THE BATH! SIT. DOWN. NOW!

 I know that’s what I’ll be hearing in my head all night.

I need a break.

 

19 thoughts on “I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell.

  1. I’m BEGGING you to reconsider the handing him over thing. Handing him over to someone else just might be the thing that makes you good at this! Without help I would have gone completely bonkers when my kids were little. Aside from practically throwing them at my husband when he’d get home from a long day of work, I also had someone take care of them for about 10 hours a week. Sometimes I ran errands, sometimes I got a pedicure and lunch, sometimes I just asked the sitter to keep them out of the house so that I could take a nap. Whatever. It was just nice to do it alone for a few solid hours, and helped my perspective more than I ever could have hoped for. It’s what gave me the patience.

    • I really might have to look into that. Or at the very least go bakv to the gym where he can play in the day care and I can take a class. I love him so much but the other day I just was not handling it ok. Thank you for commenting and saying this. I appreciate that.

  2. Stephanie, I doubt seriously you failed. No one has infinite patients and toddlers test boundaries. It sucks but I don’t know a parent that doesn’t occasionally get frustrated and let it show.

    Congrats on the job.

  3. Happens to us all, Stephanie. ALL. Me? I let the boys watch tv today. too much tv, while I just kinda did … nothing.

    Chalk it up to the end of summer and start again tomorrow. He loves you. And so do we!

  4. *hugs* He’s growing and changing and testing his limits. Give it some time; you’ll catch up as you start to learn what he needs now. Then the pattern will repeat again in a few months. You’re not failing at motherhood; you’re learning through this journey the same way Max is.

  5. ah dude… you are a rockstar mom who just happens to have a rockstar son (NO CLUE where he got that from… har har.) either way, the fact that the boss is such a wonderful, inquisitive, glorious little person is a direct reflection of the exquisite woman who is raising him EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    and… to top things off, you’re making time to continue pursuing your passion for acting. and this is HUGE because so many of us allow “the stuff” to get in the way of doing that.

    my hat is off to you lady. though it may have been a rough day, and YES you need a break… you’re doing a great job. the boss is testing his little limits that exist in his world…

    and so are you.

    good on ya both.

    xo!

  6. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are likely 100% more patient than most moms. Toddlers are a challenge and we all have our moments.

    I know you don’t want to hand him over to someone else, but sometimes a little break during the day makes all the difference. I used to have an elementary school girl come over and play with Jones for an hour or so (with me in the house), just so I could do a few chores (and maybe read a bit) without a stubborn toddler in the way. We each thought we were all getting the best end of the deal.

  7. Oh honey….this happens to ALL of us. It’s completely normal. Why? Because we are HUMANS and WE have feelings too. Toddlers are HARD, because they ARE totally bi-polar and crazy. It is exhausting to deal with their changing moods and their complete lack of desire to do as you say. Silly babies, they just DON’T GET IT!

    I think I yell far to much. And frankly, your sweet boy will only remember how insanely you loved him. And the beauty of kids….they get over things in .05 seconds. You could have just yelled at them, they could cry, and then POOF, they’re back hugging you and telling you they love you.

    So, take a deep breath. Relax. AND, LET.SOMEONE.ELSE watch him for a few hours. You DO need a break!!

    You’re fabulous! Just thought you should know.

  8. How ironic! I’m going to post the advice you just gave me about this same thing. If I need a break, so do you. We all do. TAKE A BREAK!!! Don’t feel guilty about it. You do it and so will I.

    Congrats on your job!

  9. Not that I would know this from personal experience, but from the many friends I have now who have wee ones, this sounds exactly like things they have all been through. You are NOT a terrible mom. You are a WONDERFUL mom and I hope that when I’m a mom I am even a fraction of as wonderful at it as you so obviously are.

  10. Isn’t it amazing how little ones can bring a grown person to their knees?

    This too shall pass, and someday you may even miss these days!

    One day at a time!

  11. Motherhood isn’t all bon bons & all of that other crap. And, I think *I* just might be certifiably crazy for saying this, but I would gladly make a trade with you. I’ll take The Boss if you take my allofasudden hormonal 9 year old daughter. Oy. Talk about feeling like a mom failure. I always knew my mother said payback was a mutha, but really??

    Anyways, you’re doing a great job, MOM, no matter how frustrating things seem. We’ve all been there, done that.

    AND………………….congrats on the j-o-b!! 🙂

  12. Aww, Steph. I totally relate (from the Dad side of things, at least). I get disappointed in my lack of patience, too. But I think that disappointment itself shows I’m not a total failure as a dad. If I didn’t feel bad or didn’t care, then we’d have a big problem. I’m getting a long break while Valia and Timmy are in Belarus for a month, so I totally can’t complain right now. But I miss them so!

    And I totally relate to the “Don’t stand on the guitar!” part, but luckily it’s always “guitar case!” Otherwise, yikes!

  13. Dude, this is only the beginning. And 2 million more? 20 million more? Yes. You will. Z & I are constantly looking at one another in disbelief, wondering if REALLY we just said, as we do every.freakin’.night, to sit down in their chairs the right way, or stay at the table during dinner, or please don’t throw/drop food on the floor, or pleaseputanotherbiteoffoodinyourmouth! or whatever else. Seriously. Every night, same thing. Kids are hard. But they love you anyway, and you have to remember that through it all that we’re doing our jobs – keeping them safe, making sure they know the rules, etc. Patience is in short supply some days, and a toddler is the very best one to figure out those days & push the limits. Hugs.

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