Toddlers are strange, strange little creatures. It’s like living with a tiny scizophrenic these days and I never know which baby I am getting. Today I just hoped that when he woke up from his nap he would like me again.
Actually first I prayed he would NAP for love of all things holy. He did. But just barely.
Today? In a word…it sucked. Or rather I sucked. I sucked at motherhood, and really is there anything worse to suck at? I’m not any good at this lately. It’s like the game has changed and no one told me the new rules. I am confused and sad and exhausted from saying:
NO DO NOT EAT THAT and DO NOT STAND ON THE GUITAR!
I heard myself sounding exasperated and mean, sounding mean while speaking to my baby. It killed me a little but really how many times do I have to tell him to hold my hand and stay on the sidewalk!? Apparently 20 million more.
I’m tired. And sad. Dissapointed in myself for not having a reserve of patience and kindness. I need a break. But I don’t want anyone to spell me, I don’t want to hand him off to someone else. I want to be good at this, to be kind and patient even during the tantrums.
Today I booked an acting job. I keep forgetting I am an actor. It’s small but legit. I was too harried to be too excited about it. Then there were union problems. Somehow amidst raising a baby and moving a bunch of times some things slipped through the cracks. Union problems that needed to be handled before I film. Tomorrow. While TOTT worked his magic to make everything work out for me and the union handled everything over the phone, The Boss dumped a package of mini wheats on the couch.
They’re still there because I just.can’t. right now.
I’m working on a footstool and a chair now. He wanted to paint them. I let him. I couldn’t stand one more tantrum today. I am glad I did. Despite the mess and the fact that I will surely have to redo them, for ten minutes we had fun. We laughed and even though I am covered in paint, it was a small price to pay.
I’m hoping that he went to sleep tonight thinking of those moments instead of hearing my strident voice ringing out:
SIT DOWN IN THE BATH. NO JUMPING IN THE BATH! SIT. DOWN. NOW!
I know that’s what I’ll be hearing in my head all night.
I need a break.