You say good bye and I say hello.

I am terrible at good byes. Just awful. The day we left Los Angeles I practically clung to Sister Dub screaming and wailing.  Getting in that car was the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m still sad about it, and try not to think about that. But this post isn’t about my weeping and wailing at leaving my home.

It’s about the night my beautiful Hooligan Huck was born.

Now, Huck isn’t an actual hooligan. So far he is just as sweet as a hot fudge sundae at the Cheesecake Factory, which by the way is the best hot fudge sundae around. Justsoyouknow. But I like to make the Boss laugh, and when Huck shakes his little fists like the Notre Dame mascot I like to do my very favorite County Clare Irish Lilt whilst telling him silly tales about Hooligan Huck. Oh, that great toddler laugh!

The idea of saying goodbye our time alone, Just The Boss and me, was too much for me to bear. I spoiled him, I cuddled him, I knew that our days just the two of us were dwindling to a close. But how to mourn the loss of that time while thrilling to the addition of a new tiny one was simply mindboggling to me.

The second time I ended up in the hospital I spent a half an hour snuggling him, trying to tell him over and over how much I loved him that I was proud of him and that he was reason we wanted another baby. Reassuring him that no matter how big he got he would always be my baby.  I left him and we raced to the hospital thinking Huck was on his way and praying he would be safe and healthy. But I left part of my heart behind, snuggled in his big boy bed with squishy guitar and big squishy guitar. It was bittersweet. And then Huck stayed put. The Tuesday before Huck was born we had a regular appointment with Dr. H. My contractions were two minutes apart and she quickly sent us off to the hospital. Again. Thankfully TOTT was with me that day, so he and The Boss headed over to the L&D floor where the ‘babies come from’, this was great as The Boss now had a visual of where Mommy was going and where Huck would be arriving.

He loved it. Soon enough TOTT took The Boss home for a nap and I stayed in L&D room 4 watching bad cable tv and contracting away. 37 weeks exactly. It’s a lot less scary at 37 weeks than it is at 30 weeks, I’ll tell you that much! But my heart was heavy. In The Boss’ little life I am the one who puts him down for every nap, every bedtime. I do most of the meals…even on bedrest I would climb from my bed into his to read Llama Llama. There was many a night when I was exhausted and bitter that I wished TOTT could do just some of it. But the truth is that I set it up that way. I made sure I was the one who did everything because I am selfish and I want The Boss all to myself. There I admitted it. I waited so long to have a baby, I wasn’t even sure I could have one and then here is Max (The Boss) and he is so amazing. I am jealous when he wants Ma to give him a bath or Bob Bob to take him out to swing or Daddy to play guitar with him. I love having a break but I want to be the only star in his sky. Selfish of me.

I never would have turned over care of him if I hadn’t been forced. And you know what? It turned out brilliantly. Daddy is fantastic at putting him to bed and they are closer than ever.

I never would have given up nursing him if I hadn’t been forced. And that turned out okay as well. He cuddles me more now that he isn’t boo-ing.

But the thought of saying good bye to his only child-dom loomed over me. How to close the most profound period in my life? How to say goodbye to the two of us versus the world? Even knowing that something beautiful was coming that would make our lives even more spectacular didn’t ease my sadness over the closing of this chapter. Yet at the same time I was thrilled to be pregnant, to have another precious boy, to give The Boss the gift of a sibling. Opposite yet equal emotions waged war in my heart at all times.

On Friday I was having contractions like mad. I even told TOTT these seemed different. I was so used to contracting at this point that only the big monster ones even caught my attention. These were painful and felt as if they were pushing down. That was new…but I didn’t worry. I had been told this was the way it was going to be until I really went into labor, my water breaking or dilating.  So business as usual! Although I did tell Ma the baby was coming today, just to tease her since she was going out of town!

That night The Boss and I snuggled in his bed giggling and going over our day before starting to read our books. Three a night, that’s the routine. Halfway though book one I felt (and heard- I swear to God!) two little pops like rubber bands breaking and then – oh heavens, what was that?

Well. Water. Broken. And boy did it break! So there I am reading, and thinking that I better get out of this bed or The Boss is going to be sleeping in a wet bed and it won’t be his doing.

Decision made, out of my hands yet again.


{I’m breaking this up because holy long post Batman!}

13 thoughts on “You say good bye and I say hello.

  1. I know there’s part 2 coming, but I just want to say, I’m also selfish in that I too, want to be my Monkey’s only star in the sky!

    Can’t wait to read the rest!

    And love the first picture! You’re gorgeous!

  2. You wrote the emotions of this time in such beautiful detail that I was completely transported back 11 years to when my second baby was about to be born. It is definitely the best thing you will ever do for your kids, to give them each other, but yes, it is so bittersweet. But each day gets more sweet and less bitter. Absolutely lovely writing!

  3. So emotional reading this as a mommy to a 7mo old, knowing that one day I may go through the same with my little guy. Beautiful story. Looking forward to Part 2.

  4. This sums up how I am feeling right now; I’m 6 months along with my second. I just keep trying to embrace every little moment with my 20mo son right now, and cuddle him as much as possible, before his world is completely rocked. It breaks my heart to think of all the time I wont be able to spend with him once his little brother or sister arrives, but giving him a playmate is the best thing for him.

    Those pictures are just precious! Can’t wait to read the rest!

  5. (I know I should wait until part 2 to comment, but…)
    This is EXACTLY how I felt in the days leading up to my #2’s birth. I was so nostalgic about those final moments of just me and my daughter, I felt like throwing up half the time (not pregnancy related, just overly sentimental. I think.) Anyway, I cried the last night I put her to bed as an only child, knowing we were leaving for the hospital in a few hours and our relationship would be forever changed. But then…as you’re finding out…it all gets so much better when your one and only becomes a big sibling.
    Beautiful (half) post, can’t wait to read the rest. Congratulations on Huck, both your kiddos are gorgeous!

  6. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now but have never commented. I felt I had to this time to let you know how beautiful this post was. Just beautiful.

  7. This is perfect & I’m ready to read the second part. My husband & I are so ready for baby #2 & this is exactly how I’m feeling! And I’m the oldest of 5 kids, I NEVER thought that I’d feel this way because I have 4 best friends in the world thanks to my parents!

    So ready for the 2nd part!

  8. Oh Steph,

    That was wonderful, as you know, my children are 5 years apart, so my oldest, I think understood somewhat more, but she also had lots more time to be the “only child”, which we all enjoyed every minute of. I too, insisted on doing everything for her, I wanted to be the best Mom ever! Once I was pregnant we would talk for hours about the baby and being a big sister and I was so worried about how my time with her would change, one conversation she actually reassure me, “we’ll be fine Mama, I’ll help YOU with the baby so we can still hang out together” She was and still is the best big sister in the whole world and they love each other so much, and he is a wonderful little brother, they are very close then and now – 16 years later. I thought I was the only one who ever felt that way. Thanks for sharing; brought back so many memories! (btw – that is exactly the way my water broke too – LOL)
    Love ya, Beth

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