The Guilt and the Lie. (Part two)

{Dr. TOTT.Available for all your birthing needs. As long as all you need is someone to make you laugh.}

There I lay cuddled in bed with my sweet boy, the light of my life. The baby in my belly gives a stretch, whoosh, more fluid. The Boss makes me laugh, whoosh, more fluid. I feel the panic rising in my throat, how to say goodbye to this…this precious just-him-and-me relationship right now. I know I need to get out of his bed and fast, it feels as if a whole swimming pool is escaping me.

And so I tell a lie.

I finish Ratatouille, say 1,2,3 STARS! Max’s stars! and turn off his light waiting until his glow in the dark stars light up and he says “mommy! It’s outer space, do you see the moon?” then I say “I do baby!” and I tell him I love him to the moon and back a billion times. He says “just wike big nut bwown hauh” I hug him so close, so close I try to transfer some of that beautiful Burt’s Bees bubble bath smell to me. I inhale his hair, I kiss those chubby cheeks, which are easily some of the yummiest cheeks in the history of ever. I try not to cry, simultaneously my heart is breaking to leave my sweet only child and thrilling to meet the little one who has been worrying me for so long. I know tonight I will become a mother of two and The Boss will become a Big Brother. A role I know he will be amazing in, but one that will force him to share the attention.

Now, The Boss?Well, his mommy and daddy are talkers so it’s no wonder that he himself, is into a late night chat. His falling asleep monologues are fast and furious until he tires himself out, snuggling close to me and his breathing steadies. Sometimes about space travel, usually about going to ‘guitar store’ and seeing John (Lennon’s) guitar and Paul (McCartney’s) bass. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day, and I know tonight I cannot stay for it. I tell the biggest lie I’ve ever told to someone I never want to lie too.

Mommy will be right back, I just have to potty.

He’s two, almost three and he knows how important getting to the potty is. He clutches at me, begging me to stay and I know I cant let him see how hard this is for me. I’m grateful that it is dark and we are lit only by the stars and his birdie nightlight. He can’t see the look in my eyes as I kiss him again, memorizing his sweet face one more time. He can’t see me wipe away a tear before it falls on his rosy cheek. I tell him to have sweet dreams and I love him and that I will be right back. Right. Back. Those words hurt. I scoot to the end of his big boy bed, whoosh, checking to see if his sheets are wet. Nope, still dry. Amazing.  As I sit to push myself up, whoosh! there it is. The very end of his bed get it. Oh, well…his feet can’t touch that. We will change his sheets in the morning. No reason to upset his routine anymore than usual.

I managed to hobble out of his darkened room, telling him I loved him and ignoring his plaintive cries to come back and snuggle. Went immediately into the bathroom, pausing only to say the sentence that sends men into a panic, second only to I’m pregnant is:

my water broke.

Suddenly we are starring in a 1950’s sitcom. TOTT has his hands on his head saying what do we do? I tell him to call my doctor while I go to the restroom to clean up, a useless act as the water just keeps coming.  I hear him on the phone telling her that my water broke and my contractions are two to three minutes apart, which they are and have been all day. Will we even make it to the hospital in time?

You’d think with three trips to the hospital behind us, we would have our bags all packed but nope! TOTT scrambles to get everything while I toss the last few things in my bag and before we know it we are in the car racing through the dark to the labor and delivery wing that we now know oh so well. It was so exciting. I went into labor with The Boss, but the C-section was already scheduled for the next morning and as quickly as my contractions started my denial started as well. This time, I was getting to do it all. Contractions (sure for two months), water breaking and I was hoping with all the contractions and pressure that surely I was dilating well and would be able to push this baby out the old fashioned way and all my birthing dreams would come true!

When TOTT and I are nervous we sort of, well we sort of become the Zach and Stephanie show. We are both performers at heart and we don’t know how to handle any stress other than to turn on the comedy.  By the time they wheeled me back to L&D and placed me on the scale, the same one I had stood on just three days earlier and weighed one pound less, I had all the nurses cracking up with a whole routine about how I could now scratch ‘go out in public with wet pants’ off the old bucket list.  As a Frequent Flyer I now knew almost all the nurses, most were amazing, two were not. I was scared I was going to get one in particular who actually made me cry three days earlier…thankfully she was a day nurse so I escaped her until well after Huck was born in which case she had to shut her whore mouth because THE BABY WAS HERE AND I WAS NOT IMAGINING THINGS. I hated her, but she was extra kind to me post delivery, maybe she will be nicer to the next mom who going into pre-term labor. Lesson learned, lady? We had a fun night full of contractions and laughs.  A quick check by the doctor announced that I was completely dilated! Nope. Sorry. Not dilated at all. I’d been a ‘fingertip’ for two weeks, which was reassuring before but was now frustrating! The contractions were getting so strong and I was starting to have to stop to breath through them, which was tough because that meant shutting up for a minute or two,and you know how hard it is for me to shut up!

Are you one of those moms who missed their baby an hour after they go to bed? I am. As soon as The Boss is sweetly asleep and I’ve had 45 minutes to myself, all I want is my baby again. Even if my ‘baby’ is almost 40 pounds of non-stop Beatles and Green Day! I miss him. In between contractions TOTT and I talked about The Boss and how he has the book I’m a Big Brother memorized. We reminisced about his birth and talked about how this was going to be good for him. A sibling is a blessing. But still my heart was heavy. I lied to my boy to escape to birth his brother. Something that will rock his world in a good way and force him to change the way he sees the world and his family.

I labored all night,turning down pain meds with stubborn hope that I would push this baby out drug free. The doctors were nervous about it, with The Boss’ C-section I had been cut both horizontally and vertically because he was so tightly wedged in there and this upped the chance of rupture. But they allowed me to give it the old college try. After 8hours I had made absolutely no progress and due to the fact that I had been contracting for so long and there was merconium in the amniotic fluid, plus with the previous C-section that we would go ahead and do another. I knew this was a possibility and honestly all I wanted in the end was a healthy baby and to go home to my beautiful Boss, so the choice was a sad but good one.

I have never been more scared in my life than my C-section with The Boss. I had good reason to be scared, it was a rough c-section that reminded me clearly of the last scene of Braveheart. You know the one, where they rip his guts out? My recovery took ages. I was in so much pain and had so much internal bruising due to his position that the idea of going through that all over again was not something I was looking forward too. But baby was starting to need to come out, and quickly so off they wheeled me into the OR and we prepared to meet Baby2ElectricBooglaoo and make the Boss a Big Brother for real.


Part three on Monday!{I swear!}


10 thoughts on “The Guilt and the Lie. (Part two)

  1. Omigosh, I’m on the edge of my seat!!!!!

    I love how you articulate your feelings for The Boss here. We are trying for #2 and I’m all kinds of ambivalent about how I’d feel about my Monkey, with a new baby to care for; could I love another as much; how will we manage etc etc etc.

    I might need to ask for your advice in the near future!

  2. Ah you’re killing me by splitting this up! As soon as I get into it, it’s over!!

    Don’t feel bad about the little white lie! If you would have soaked him and his bed he would’ve been so upset and worried. Slipping away while he was tucked in bed safe and sound was the ideal way to leave him!

    Your giving me baby fever with all the news about Mr. Huck! This is bad because my first is only 4-months and it’ll be a while before we are ready for #2!

  3. Great cliffhanger! I, too, had to do 2 c-sections – not as dramatically on my first as you though – yikes!! The second one was SOOO much better. Can’t wait to hear how it ended up! (in detail – clearly I know the important part is that Huck is here and healthy.)

  4. WOMAN – ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK ME? I’m not exaggerating when I say I started bawling when I read this part, “I feel the panic rising in my throat, how to say goodbye to this…this precious just-him-and-me relationship right now.” You nailed it. SAD FACE.

  5. YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME!! Part 2 took days! I know, I know….you have a newborn and I totally get that….I am just needy and extra whiny tonight :)!
    If I facebook you do I get more frequent updates that you are still alive and kicking???

  6. You’re kind of a helluva writer, huh?

    That was a spellbinding journey through the night you went to give birth. Not only did I get it, which is what these comments that I leave are usually relating to, I REALLY enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

  7. I am so ready for Part 3 I can’t stand it!

    And Boss will be okay, I’m the oldest of 5. It’s the best thing my parents ever did for me. I love them all the pieces!

    And with that being said, I’m terrified of how it’s going to make Lboy feel whenever we bring a baby brother or sister into the world for him. I don’t want him to think I don’t love him as much!

  8. I am, literally, on the edge of my seat, well bed, because I’m lying down. I am now pregnant with number two and have been thinking more and more about my pending birthing experience. I’m scared mostly, and in reading your narration, a bit nostalgic (yes, already) about how things are now and how they will inevitably change, I’m sure, for the better. I look forward to reading your part 3.

  9. Still looking forward to part 3! What are you doing over there…taking care of a baby and a toddler while recovering from a c-section or something? Sheesh.

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