So. The Emmys. They were last night just in case you missed them because you were hibernating in a cave, forced to watch football or praying Michelle Bachman away.
This year Emmy fashion had two speeds. Neutral and Red. There were some gorgeous, gorgeous looks, some embarrassing shows But mostly everyone was really, really, really safe.
Really safe. Like, boring.
But the bads? Were really bad. Two of the worst are people I love to hate. Well, one…Gwynnie. Oh Gwyneth Paltrow how I want to smack you in your sanctimonious pursed lipped face. I always thought you were kinda a brat, but what with your sanctimonious mothering articles and complaining about your “Big Jewish nose” (her words, not mine!) your place as Queen of Pretension is well sealed. What on Earth made her think this was a good idea?
Gwynnie..eat pray puke.
Lea Michelle in Marchesa…heaven. Puffy sleeves are hard to pull off, but Miss Michelle does it well. Rachel Barry may be my nemesis…but even I can admit when Miss Michelle is looking good. The dress has lots of intricate details on the sleeves and a killer drop back, so she keeps the hair and jewelry simple. Beautiful. Although for real? The posing? Is a bit poseur. Know what I mean, Jean? {I’d like to thank everyone on twitter for backing me up that Leah Michelle is farking annoying as all get out. And I mean it Leah Michelle. GET OUT.}
Christina Hendricks went color neutral in order to balance out that Ronald McDonald hair. She rocks it better than Ronnie. No doubt. She’s not one of my favorite actresses but her in this dress by Johanna Johannson is. It’s new but looks crazy vintage…it’s perfect, elegant old Hollywood. The champagne color of the fabric and beads are delicate but it must weigh a ton. Also I dig that she is W-O-M-A-N. Curves. Boobs. {Pale. Let’s hear it for the pasty ones! Represent!} Unfortunately it doesn’t photograph as well as it should because trust me, it was divine.
Juliana Marguilles in Armani Prive… WTF! It’s like someone tacked the top of some Ikea-esque mirror display on her top.And the bottom? I’m pretty sure it was latex. Lubed up latex. I know, I know, couture is art but now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. The End.
Because really? She’s like some sort of great space condom. with Pearls for her ‘pleasure’. By pleasure I mean, nausea. Obviously.
Also in Armani Prive was Padma Lakshmi. Liquid gold. Lick. Wid. Gold. I believe they might be actually awarding miniature statues of her. Also I want every single piece of her jewelry collection.
My kingdom for that bod.
It hurts me. Heidi Klum’s Siriano hurts me. But I think it’s just because I’m having a sense memory flashback from when I sliced my foot open on a coral reef.
She’s still ridiculously gorgeous.
I do believe John Krasinski belongs on the top of a wedding cake. My wedding cake. Yum.
It’s cool though. Cause Emily Blunt is awesome, so I guess it’s cool he got hitched up with her.
I love Amy Poehler. And Will Arnette. They are both adorable and funny, what’s not to love? Oh, I know. Her dress. Designed by Body Glove? Does it double as a scuba suit? I think it does. Whatever, she is still awesome.
Zooey Deschanel is ridiculous adorable and not just anyone can pull off a pink ball gown (*cough* Gwynnie *cough*) and a partial bouffant, but Zooey is just the schizz. I still don’t think it’s a great look, but she is so damn cute and unique that if anyone is going to wear a barbie pink dress it oughta be her. Poor Hipsters and Indie rockers, we mainstreamers are usurping her ASAP. (And as soon as I find a picture of her, I’ll add it!)
Dianna Agron, so beautiful. Why is she wearing this bedspread from That 80’s show?
Sofia Vergarra. Life is not fair.
And she’s funny. Life is just not fair.
Hey! Young Hollywood? This is how you do it.
Fresh, elegant, a little sexy. Just lovely all around.
Garcon! Can I have a club soda with lime? Thanks.
It pains my heart to even write that. I did my very first commercial with Joel McHale and he was so nice. . Success could not happen to a better guy. I’m thrilled for him. But not for that jacket. Emmys? Joel could host. Just saying.
Highlight: Jane Lynch. LOVE HER. Her gay agenda was hilarious. I’m from LA and there we just call the Gay Agenda…Agenda. It usually involves shoe shopping and delicious Margaritas on Santa Monica Blvd. I am way okay with the Agenda. Also, Melissa McCarthy winning. Low: that damn sound that repeated through the whole farking show making me INSANE. tell me you heard it? TELL ME?
So, my best dressed are… I can’t decide! I’m torn and for me this year there is no clear cut winner. What do you think? Sofia Vergarra? Laura Linney in her black mini and sexy shoes? There is no head and shoulders above everyone else winner.
Worst Dressed: Easy. Gwynnie, and Julianna Marguilles.
Who are your best and worst dressed? Do you love to hate certain actors as I do, knowing that all we have is the information that is put out there for us? Gwynnie might just be a really awesome non-pretensious gal. But I doubt it.
What say you?
*photo credits Getty Images*
Stephanie Says... 
I didn’t watch but it’s all good because you just summarized anything I cared about anyways. You should be on Fashion Police. Just sayin’.
I didn’t watch but it’s all good because you just summarized anything I cared about anyways. You should be on Fashion Police. Just sayin’.
I didn’t watch it, so I’ll just trust your judgment. That Gwyneth outfit is really fugly. I like Sofia’s dress, she pulls it off.
I didn’t watch it, so I’ll just trust your judgment. That Gwyneth outfit is really fugly. I like Sofia’s dress, she pulls it off.
The only acceptable excuse for Gwynnie’s dress is that she’s been hit by the economic slump and couldn’t afford the middle of her dress. More likely, it was that she wanted to rub her perfect post-Apple abs in everyone’s face. As someone who was visited by both the Stretch Mark Fairy and her evil sister, the Cellulite Pixie, this makes me angrier than it ought to.
Christina Hendricks? As George Takei would say, “oh myyyy!”. She looked lovely, and it really is a shame that her dress doesn’t photograph all that well. I thought it was stunning.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who hates Gwynnie Platrow. Like UGH. Lea Michelle confuses me. Maybe because I don’t watch the show, but I just don’t get all the hoopla about her. She’s annoying.
You need to Google Sarah Hyland’s video of her on Fashion Police mocking Lea Michelle’s red carpet pose.
Love your fashion recaps.. better than watching the show.. IMO