Things Kim Kardashian and I have in common (Hint it is NOT a sex tape)

I was married before.

Did you know that? Maybe you did. I don’t talk about it a lot, or ever really. For a long time I wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen. It was a figment of my imagination. Because even though the dates from the marriage certificate to the dissolution on marriage certificate spanned 5 years, we really didn’t have a marriage.  If ya know what I mean.We had a fabulous party where everyone said things like “couple of the century!” and “perfection!”

To be honest, we threw one hell of a party.

The problem was we all so created one hell of a partnership. And not in the cool way. In the actual living hell way. It’s not that he is a bad man, he is not. His heart is good. He is funny as all get out and crazy talented. He was wild and care free and he would have been perfect for me when I was 19.  Now that the years have passed and I can look back (and hear tales of him now and again from a mutual friend here and there) I can smile and enjoy his successes. He is not a monster. But together we were monsterous.

I knew I shouldn’t marry him. I used to lie awake in our loft bedroom listening to him snore and try to figure out how to tell him I couldn’t go through with it. There were so many warning signs. Lies he told, second thoughts I had and then lies I told by not being honest about how I felt. I made so many jokes about it to my friends that Sister Dub, WWJD and BFJen had a little meeting to see if they should say something to me.

On our wedding day I begged Janice (WWJD) to take me to the beach.

I don’t know if you’ve ever stopped a moving train with your bare hands but that is what stopping a wedding must be like. It has a life of it’s own. All the energy from everyone’s excitement is more fuel for the train, which just moves faster and faster.

I stood at the wedding and took my vows, smiling nervously and feeling as if I was going to throw up. It was wrong. I was wrong. And the worst part was that he seemed to have no idea what a mistake we had made.

To say things deteriorated quickly is an understatement. We were just too different and while the stories are good I resist writing about them…some of them are hilarious. Our views of right and wrong were very different. Also, it wasn’t just the two of us in the marriage. It was me, him and marijuana.

I laugh when people belittle marijuana as not a real drug. Because if you are an addictive personality you can be addicted to anything. And an addict that doesn’t know he is an addict is the worst kind.

I left him for the first time before our first anniversary. I stayed gone for four months, we worked on it, we fought, we cried. Finally I went back. I told myself that I had gotten MARRIED and you don’t just walk away. I made my bed, so to speak.

I left again about 6 months later. We were oil and water. It got bad, really bad. I brought out the worst in him, and all I had to offfer him was judgement and disdain.We separated and got back together four times in five years.

One day the words just flew out of my mouth. There was no ramp up. We weren’t discussing anything of importance, just a Saturday morning and I opened my mouth and “I want a divorce” came out.

I used to never want anyone to know. I was embarrassed. How could I have gotten married and divorced?  Me. Divorced. It was upsetting to say the least. I never wanted my boys to know. Ever. How could they know of my failure?

But then, if I hadn’t had that failure I wouldn’t have them.

Walking out of that house that fateful Saturday morning was like getting out of jail. I felt free. I was free. So was he. From all reports he is having a great life and that makes me really happy.  I’m pretty sure he is happy I left too, now!

Because of my first marriage I was able to really know who I was and what I wanted. I was able to recognize the real thing when it came along. Through moving, job loss, living with the in laws, postpartum anxiety and more fights that I can count it has never occurred to me to leave TOTT. We are right for each other. He’s stuck with me!

Plus I don’t think Sister Dub, WWJD and BFFJen would want to be bridesmaids again. I think twice is the limit, huh guys?

After all this time and all the shame I can honestly say I have no regrets.

linking up with JustBeEnough

37 thoughts on “Things Kim Kardashian and I have in common (Hint it is NOT a sex tape)

    • That’s exactly what it felt like, saving myself! I swear I would have died if I had stayed there. I am so glad I live in a place where I could get a divorce!

  1. Have you seen Bridemaids? We joke that we have a tape like that. You know…the sandwich scene.

    I digress. I often wondered what had happened. I had lost track of you for a few years and then when I found you, you were much happier, and married to someone different. I noticed the change in the tone of your writing and it was good. Its nothing to be ashamed about at all. Especially since those 2 cuties wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t taken the path you did.

    • I did a movie with Ben Falcone (the guy, who is her IRL husband) back in the day. SO nice, I seriously wonder how traumatized their kids will be by that scene! I can imagine how weird it must have been to reconnect and I’ve got a whole new life! I am so glad I got to meet you this past weekend. You are just as lovely in person as you are on line.

  2. Little known fact: me too. I’ve been letting it out in bits and pieces, mainly in comments on others’ blogs. Still on the fence about outing myself (Inasmuch as I haven’t already lol). I feel the same way. I wouldn’t be where I am now without that experience, even though I’m not all that keen on discussing it (yet). I will. Someday. Hopefully soon. Thanks for sharing. 😉

  3. There’s no shame in sorting out and being able to admit that perhaps you’ve made a rather large mistake. There’s especially no shame in taking all the right steps to make things better. For both of you. Which is exactly what you did. No apologies, Stephanie.

    Just love. Lots of it. All the way around.

    • I can’t tell you how your living by example helped me. I felt as if I was drowning and leaving was the only way to save my life. I am so glad he seems to be doing so well too.

    • I am always shocked that my mom reads my blog.I guess I am so grateful for where I am now that to regret it and to wish to take it back would mean I wouldn’t be exactly where I am now.

  4. Thanks for sharing this. There’s a lot of courage in admitting a mistake and moving on from it. I understand feeling embarrassed by it, but even in any lingering feelings of wanting to hide it, you should be so much prouder that you cared enough about you and your future to make the best choice for you. I think that’s a lesson you can be proud to teach your boys.

    • everyone loves a wedding, so each comment, each bridal event is fuel for the train. I admire anyone who has the strength to stop it properly. Not like standing someone up at the altar, cause that’s just awful.

  5. Good for you. Good for you for talking about it, admitting it, having the heart to write about it in an open and actually nice way. I’m glad you shared. It just adds another layer of interesting to you. And the best part is….you found real happiness. You found joy, and you’re right. You would never have recognized it if you hadn’t been through the crap. UGH! Why is change so, SO hard and scarey?

  6. Hi! I don’t know you well (yet) but I like you! Everytime I read you I sit in awe of how you write, what you share and how you just own your thoughts and feelings. It is something I truly admire.

    Here’s the thing…this first wedding of yours is not regrettable…it’s a big part of you, it’s a lesson and a stroy that there is no shame in.

    You tried, you gave your marriage a good try. You counseled, you left and came back, you gave your all and sacrified your own pride to honor your vows. Knowing you shouldn’t have is only a small part of this, you showed up.

    I couldn’t think more good things about you right now. For sharing this, for being brave and for being you!

  7. Ah yes, trying to stop the bullet train of a wedding feels impossible once you are on it. People remarked that I was the calmest bride they had ever seen . . . that was because I just kept saying to myself that I could just get a divorce. Nice eh! I just couldn’t find a way off that train.

    I have decided that I will be totally honest about this part of my life with my kiddos because without it, I would not have their dad and together we not only created them but we also created a seriously strong relationship built on lessons learned.

  8. As someone who knew you through those times.. I can honestly say – YOU ARE and WERE one of the BRAVEST and STRONGEST people I have known… Leaving is HARD!!!! You did more than give it the ‘ol college try… and frankly… your entire spirit changed.. you were already filled with light… but it became lighter… and TOTT brought that light out even more… you became who you really were and were able to stand that much taller… I look at you – even from far away and the words that you write.. and you ARE LIVING the life that you were destined to have.. (even with the move and in-laws, etc…) You INSPIRE so many.. even those of us who are still learning to take control of our destiny and REALLY OWN our mistakes… because big ones… well.. they sorta suck to admit and even are harder to fix.. but you INSPIRE… and give hope that we all can live the life that we dream of….

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