Sometimes at night my mind flies back to the day we left home. It is as if it was yesterday, and at the same time as if I am watching a movie of someone elses heartbreak.
We sat on the floor of our empty dining room eating Poquito Mas one last time with Dub and Mahmood taking turns singing Itsy Bitsy Spider to Boss and Zu who at ten weeks old were kicking butt at laying on blankets and being cute. Well done guys.

Everything was out of the apartment. All that was left was to cram ourselves the dog, the cat and the baby into the car and go. I had told Zach that I wanted to leave Los Angeles alone. I would drive, just me and living things that could not talk yet, that could not judge my crying but it didn’t work out that way. Zach drove and I sat in the back with Minky and the Boss Baby, looking out the window and praying for a reprieve.It was for the best that Zach drove. I am certain I wouldn’t have been able to leave, instead finding myself at Janice’s door flinging myself at her feet.
Take me in I would have sobbed. And she would have, as she had many times before.
I still feel displaced and shallow for feeling such a way. Since the day we closed the door on our lovely LA home we haven’t had a home.My Mother in law would say of course you do! our home is your home! That is true. It is. But it’s not.
This home is not mine, it’s not supposed to be. These decorations are not mine. These couches and walls, the trinkets and memories that make up a life are not mine. My babies pictures all feature a backdrop that is not mine.
I struggle with this daily. My iPhone is dying, it works well at everything except at being a phone. When are you coming home? Janice asked the other through the crackle and cutting out of our phone call, both of us cursing my stupid phone. When are you coming home? I feel like the statute of limitations is running out. You’ve been there two years and had another baby. If you don’t come home soon then there will be home.

There will be home. Is here home?

I laughed a little but it hit me like one of those old fashioned cannon balls. Where is home? Where are my walls and ceiling that make up my home? Zach works himself to exhaustion and yet we are still without a home of our own. Our home. For our family. Here. There. I want a home. I want to pin things on pinterest and then have a place to fail miserably at recreating those things. I wants pictures of my babies at my dining room table, in my bathtub, birthdays celebrated at my home.

I am so grateful for where we live. But I want a home.


16 thoughts on “Home.

  1. I hope you find home soon. I have a feeling that wonderful, wonderful blessings are coming to you in 2012 and you will be making me so jealous this time next year with your own holiday decorations pictures of your home!!

  2. I may have a roof over my head but I have felt homeless for the past 15 years. What I’ve learned is to surround yourself with things and activities and people you love- even if it’s still not home, you won’t feel so homeless. It looks like you are doing a wonderful job doing that. But still, sometimes, that longing and ache just come and hit you out of the blue.

    “Home – is where I want to be
    But I guess I’m already there”

    – Talking Heads

  3. First of all what a beautiful piece. I felt like you opened your heart up and let us all in. Now I just want to reach in the computer and give you a great big hug. I do not have any answers. Honestly I am not quite sure what to say. My heart aches for you. I do know this… It will happen. It will be wonderful. You will fill our twitter and Facebook feeds for months with instagram pics and gitty happiness and we will all smile and embrace your happiness with you. I just do not know when it will happen. It will though!!

  4. i was in your shoes in august and september, and it was all worth the wait. 🙂
    that green sideboard was antibes green from annie sloan and i used a gray stain over it- it was a semi solid stain just to wash it out a little. 🙂

    • I followed along with your story and am now loving watching how you make your new house your home. Thank you for the color information. I need to do that…for my someday home.

  5. I can relate in a different way, Stephanie. I feel like we’re destined to be renters for the rest of our lives. We’ve tried buying a home but could never qualify to make our dream come true. So we rent. We’ve had good and bad rentals, and our current one kicks ass…but it’s still not ours and I still can’t treat it as such. There’s so much I would do to truly make it ours, but it’s theirs, and I freak out when the kids do any kind of normal wear and tear kid damage because there’s goes our deposit…I long to own a home of our own that our kids can grow up in and then return to as grown ups. I feel ya.

    • I hear ya on that. I never even contemplated owning while we lived in LA. The prices are just too much! I fell in love with a 3 bedroom 4 bath townhome here, for…get this. 268,000. The monthly payment is 1300!!! Can you freaking believe that? And yet, with this economy and everything that has happened we just can’t do it. I mean we can do the payments but getting into the home is just out of our reach. It’s so disheartening. I know you know.

  6. this post made me so sad for you, dear. i have high, high hopes and a strong inclination that 2012 will be the year. hang in there. you’re doing the right thing – what’s best for your babes. and, think how much more you’ll appreciate it when you finally have it..

    sometimes i have to remind myself, i am blessed. you are too.

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