I don’t talk a lot about my first wedding. I say wedding because there really was no marriage…just a good party then a lot of ugliness for five years. I wrote about it for Just Be Enough here. iVillage asked me to speak about it so I took a deep breath, put on my big girl pantaloons and gave it a shot. Be gentle. This one was rough…it’s hard to be honest without dragging all the dirty laundry out.
It’s next to impossible to get anything done. But it’s pretty rad.
I’m over at Just Be Enough today, talking about leaving Huckleberry for the first time.
I’m also vlogging over on iVillage. Just in case you can’t get enough of my mug!
The Boss has a little message for you.
If you follow me on the twitter then you know that this has not exactly been the merriest of Christmases. Tomorrow I will sit down and write it all out, coherent style. But for now just know we are okay except that Huck had a couple seizures and I flashed a priest.
Merry Christmas Father Kelly.
Today I’ve got a bit of a post over at Just Be Enough and we are chatting about giving back at iVillage.
Miss your faces.
When Harry Met Sally was right, the words just hung there in the air in a comic book speech bubble. I want a divorce. There was no taking them back and I didn’t want too. We talked and then he left. And I cried.
I cried from relief.
Today I am over at Just Be Enough talking about the Best Gift ever…divorce. Be gentle, I ripped the band aid off.
Last week I got STOMPED in the challenge. My steps were paltry compared to my fellow challengers so this week I was determined to put on a better showing.
39,248! Aw yeah! That’s better than 22,000. Especially since we were pretty much stuck in the house for a few days with my poor Huckleberry. Just when I thought I was going stir crazy I remembered that Striiv can give you challenges and so while Boss was playing and Huck was resting I set myself up with some challenges! I did stairs until I had more than enough coins and energy lightening bolts to not only get my dang Lemur Mansion but also a Maidens Tower on my magic island! (Hint: if you poke the lemurs they dance. So go on people, poke your lemurs.)
Sunday we got to leave the house and headed out to Eastern Market in DC and then down to Alexandria where I decided TOTT had to buy me a house there. It’s like a flipping movie set. And the cute stores…oh the stores! I walked all over creation for a one day total of 9,882 steps! Pretty good for a lazy cat like me.
The best part was my father in law catching a glimpse of my Striiv and saying “what is THAT! I want one” Of course the holidays are coming up, so you never know…
More importantly than anything I got to donate two, count em TWO days of clean water. YAY! I love that just by walking around I can actually help a child. Next week I am going for clean water plus a polio vaccination.
This week Striiv actually gave me something that was unintentional. It kept me a bit sane while dealing with all the craziness of a very sick baby.
And if you’ll excuse me it’s time to go collect my coins and then turn them in for a bonus. I’m going to unlock those Lowlands if it KILLS me!
I was married before.
Did you know that? Maybe you did. I don’t talk about it a lot, or ever really. For a long time I wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen. It was a figment of my imagination. Because even though the dates from the marriage certificate to the dissolution on marriage certificate spanned 5 years, we really didn’t have a marriage. If ya know what I mean.We had a fabulous party where everyone said things like “couple of the century!” and “perfection!”
To be honest, we threw one hell of a party.
The problem was we all so created one hell of a partnership. And not in the cool way. In the actual living hell way. It’s not that he is a bad man, he is not. His heart is good. He is funny as all get out and crazy talented. He was wild and care free and he would have been perfect for me when I was 19. Now that the years have passed and I can look back (and hear tales of him now and again from a mutual friend here and there) I can smile and enjoy his successes. He is not a monster. But together we were monsterous.
I knew I shouldn’t marry him. I used to lie awake in our loft bedroom listening to him snore and try to figure out how to tell him I couldn’t go through with it. There were so many warning signs. Lies he told, second thoughts I had and then lies I told by not being honest about how I felt. I made so many jokes about it to my friends that Sister Dub, WWJD and BFJen had a little meeting to see if they should say something to me.
On our wedding day I begged Janice (WWJD) to take me to the beach.
I don’t know if you’ve ever stopped a moving train with your bare hands but that is what stopping a wedding must be like. It has a life of it’s own. All the energy from everyone’s excitement is more fuel for the train, which just moves faster and faster.
I stood at the wedding and took my vows, smiling nervously and feeling as if I was going to throw up. It was wrong. I was wrong. And the worst part was that he seemed to have no idea what a mistake we had made.
To say things deteriorated quickly is an understatement. We were just too different and while the stories are good I resist writing about them…some of them are hilarious. Our views of right and wrong were very different. Also, it wasn’t just the two of us in the marriage. It was me, him and marijuana.
I laugh when people belittle marijuana as not a real drug. Because if you are an addictive personality you can be addicted to anything. And an addict that doesn’t know he is an addict is the worst kind.
I left him for the first time before our first anniversary. I stayed gone for four months, we worked on it, we fought, we cried. Finally I went back. I told myself that I had gotten MARRIED and you don’t just walk away. I made my bed, so to speak.
I left again about 6 months later. We were oil and water. It got bad, really bad. I brought out the worst in him, and all I had to offfer him was judgement and disdain.We separated and got back together four times in five years.
One day the words just flew out of my mouth. There was no ramp up. We weren’t discussing anything of importance, just a Saturday morning and I opened my mouth and “I want a divorce” came out.
I used to never want anyone to know. I was embarrassed. How could I have gotten married and divorced? Me. Divorced. It was upsetting to say the least. I never wanted my boys to know. Ever. How could they know of my failure?
But then, if I hadn’t had that failure I wouldn’t have them.
Walking out of that house that fateful Saturday morning was like getting out of jail. I felt free. I was free. So was he. From all reports he is having a great life and that makes me really happy. I’m pretty sure he is happy I left too, now!
Because of my first marriage I was able to really know who I was and what I wanted. I was able to recognize the real thing when it came along. Through moving, job loss, living with the in laws, postpartum anxiety and more fights that I can count it has never occurred to me to leave TOTT. We are right for each other. He’s stuck with me!
Plus I don’t think Sister Dub, WWJD and BFFJen would want to be bridesmaids again. I think twice is the limit, huh guys?
After all this time and all the shame I can honestly say I have no regrets.
linking up with JustBeEnough
Five reasons to smile. Only five? I get down in the dumps, it’s true. I never thought I would leave Los Angeles, quit acting (for now), be a stay at home mom. I certainly never thought I would live with my in laws. But I find more and more that it’s harder to slip in the sad place. (I still do of course. Ask TOTT about the Big Cry Fest of Last Week.) Those trips down feeling sorry for myself lane seem to be getting fewer and farther between and are usually brought on from sleep deprivation. Everyone under the age of four in my household seems to be uninterested in resting lately. Everyone over the age of 21 is desperate for sleep.
The Just Be Enough prompt this week is 5 reasons to smile. Just reading the prompt made me smile. What a lovely thing to list, I might do well to list five things every week! In fact I just might. Maybe. We all know how well I stick with things, remember Friday Fabulousness? Or Monday vlogs? Ha! Discarded like Lindsey Lohan’s reputation.
Here we go! The inaugural five things list.
Boss decided late last week that he needed to be Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. Have you ever tried to find a Buzz Lightyear costume 2 weeks before Halloween? Pretty sure it’s right up there with the Holy Grail with things that are hard to find. Then a woman who works with Ma at school said her grandson had been Buzz when he was Boss’s age and maybe he would loan us his costume. Yay! This sweet boy didn’t want to loan it to The Boss, he insisted that he keep it. Needless to say he has been wearing it ever since! And the best part? He flies around crying out:
I am Buzz Lightyear Max, Strange Ranger!
It. Is. Hilarious. In case you are wondering, no we haven’t corrected him. This kid is so verbal that we rarely get little kid-isms, so when something like this occurs I hold on to it.
Hucklberry started laughing on Saturday. It’s utterly delightful! It’s squeeky and squawky and just awesome! He loves to be tickled, but more than anything he loves to giggle at Buzz Lightyear Max, Strange Ranger.
3. Fashion Blogs.Oh! I adore thee! Sometimes I play with the idea of putting on my Sunday best and taking photos like they do. I’ve no idea how they make those poses look good, but they do! And they sold me on tights with peep toes this fall, so there ya go. Also I cut my hair like one of them. I am easily influenced by shiny things.
4. Pinterest. Oh heavens! Pinterest is my new relaxation, my new obsession, my new lovah. Everything on Pinterest makes me smile. Even the whacked out WTF stuff. Because really? People pin some weird hist. Where else could I find a picture of the very roller skates I just blogged about, a dude with his chest hair shaved into a heart, and my dream dining room?
5. Shopping the house. Well, shopping in any form works for me, amiright? I need new bedding. It’s been ages and I am so very over what we have. What we do not have is oodles of bucks to buy new bedding so I flipped over my bedspread, stole some pillows from the couch (I need one more) and viola! New bedding. Not exactly what I want, but good enough for now!This also provides me with an excuse to get new pillows for the couch. Throw pillows are much cheaper than king size bedding.
It’s nice to have an excuse to look around and take stock of what makes me smile. What makes you smile? Extra credit if you tell me the craziest thing you’ve seen on Pinterest.Oh, Pinterest!
You know what happened? I procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated. And then I put it off. I couldn’t seem to find a hook, a phrase to get me started. I couldn’t find my voice, and if there is one thing I do…it is write with voice. But this marked a new avenue for me. This was real. Not that blogging isn’t. Blogging is very real and I owe it so much! I take blogging seriously,and I work hard on every guest post or assignment. But this was, dare I say it, a JOB.
My insecurities were running at a crazy warp speed. I can’t write. I’ll never be anything. Why didn’t I learn a real skill? Why didn’t I get a degree? Why can’t I lose the last ten pounds of baby weight? I just worried and worried and worried myself into a hurricane of panic.
A casual conversation with a friend brought out an anecdote that just opened the flood gates for my article. The words flowed far past the allotted amount. I felt sick to my stomach as I sent it off. And held my breath till I had a response. It was good. The response was good!
I couldn’t stop smiling all night. I kept reliving the words leaping off the email telling me I had done well. And I physically stood a little taller. Confidence. I felt it and it felt good. It’s been so long since I was confident, really confident and oh my god it was like a welcoming back good friend. A friend that I’m hoping stays a while.
Yup. Today is my birthday and have decided that in this, my thirtieth (again) year I shall simply be awesome.
Oh, I don’t mean that suddenly my head has exploded with ego…no, no. I am still the same insecure wreck I was last year. My brain is still a constant cycle of negative self talk and anxiety. I’m telling you it is a par-tay up in cabeza de Stephania.
However on this, my thirtieth (again) birthday I declare that this year shall be spent letting GO of at least some of that self doubt. Go Dog GO!
Because listen, I am not a size zero. I am not 6 feet tall. I didn’t turn out to be a super model. But I am pretty blessed. First and foremost; my boys, my babies,are here and healthy and just for reals the bombdiggity. Second: I gots me a hubby who is a good honest man and as an added bonus he makes me laugh till my eyes water. Third: Mumsy is awesome. Forth: we live with my in-laws. I know, not normally a blessing, right? But mine are pretty cool and we get to save money to move (soon we hope) and hey! free babysitting! Fourth: I am blessed to love The Boss’ preschool. Even if he doesn’t right now. Sad panda. Fifth: I am resilient. I beat an eating disorder just before it beat me. I moved across the country away from my home and friends and have slowly made a life for myself.My once much abused body rallied and built not one, but two beautiful babies. I’ve struggled with postpartum anxiety and am winning the war. Sixth: super awesome bombdiggity friends. Dub, WWJD, Miss Katie, and all my others. I am so very lucky. I include you, my ‘make believe in the computer friends’. I am grateful for each and every one of you.
For my birthday I declare that you are awesome too. BTW you look great today! yes, you!
The Boss is off to his first day of preschool tomorrow. So you know what happened today? I mean, besides us throwing him a little party and ending the day by him requesting I dig a boogie out of his nose. Every member of my family teased me about the fact that I will probably cry tomorrow. In fact I got a little teary at a lovely card his grandmother gave him.
I was feeling a little embarrassed about the teasing. To be sure, there was not a single malicious thought behind it. But still, I know I’m a sentimental fool no one need remind me. As I was going through the Just Be Enough links this evening, I read this one entitled Focusing On My Strengths and one really hit me. I am open. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Yes. That is me. I am open and I do wear my heart on my sleeve. I forgot that it was a strength and not a weakness. I may cry tomorrow, I may not. Oh who are we kidding? I am SO going to cry when I leave my precious little man at preschool. I’ll probably cry when he races out the door with a hollered “bye mom” on his first day of junior high. I will probably cry and embarrass the hell out of him at every baseball game, band concert, school play, art fair, science fair. Whatever he is into I will be there, cheering (too) loudly, hugging (too) tightly, and beaming with pride. And yes, probably some tears as well.
My kid might be embarrassed by me, but he will never, ever doubt that I love him and I am proud of him. Proud to be his mother.
So yeah, I’ll cry. I’ll beam with pride. And after I pick my sweet boy up from his very first 2.5 hours away from me I will take him out for a vanilla milk.
I might be a crybaby…but I am enough.
Linking up to Just Be Enough.