I’m not going to lie. I was terrified. Not as terrified as with my C-section for The Boss. I can honestly say that was the most scared I have ever been in my entire life. Pure terror, right there. And it was not misplaced, the Boss was really wedged in there.It was awful, painful, scary and worth it. When they brought The Boss to me (as I was having a monster panic attack and hollering I have to get up!) I said hello to him and he reached out and grabbed my nose.
This time was very different. The spinal I had was different and I could feel my feet which was very disconcerting…and I could smell them cauterizing as they cut. OMG, people. That will stick with me for ages. Once TOTT was in the room I relaxed a bit more and with just a few tugs and pulls Huck was out. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. It seemed an eternity, the took him over to the warmer and I could see them rubbing him with the towel and suctioning his throat with a long tube. There was merconium in the amniotic fluid and they wanted to really clear his lungs.
Finally after three months of waiting he let out a tiny craggy cry. I’m certain it was maybe 90 seconds total, but you know if you’ve had a baby that moment after he/she enters this world and the when they vocally proclaim their arrival seems an age. He was proclaimed “perfect!” by the doctors and wrapeed up burrito style and presented to me. His eyes were closed and he was swollen but so tiny and that’s when it happened.
Just like that I couldn’t remember a single thing I’d been worried about. I couldn’t fathom not being a mom of two. Two beautiful boys. My heart, it just expanded the way your lungs expand. Meeting Huck was just that….like a big, fresh, breath filling me up with life. My heart swelled and my stomach swooped the way it does as you head up a roller coaster, but there was no let down. Just the up. The up was Huck. Brand new to the world and us and yet it was as if he had always been with us. The only thing missing was The Boss.
Too soon they took Huck off to be weighed and measured and I quickly reminded TOTT that he was to never leave that baby’s side. The nurses took exceptional care of our little guy. I was put back together, Wizard of Oz Scarecrow style and wheeled back to my room for recovery. Once the baby and I were settled I would be moved from L&D to Maternity. Only then would I be given my baby. I felt so much better after this surgery than the last, I couldn’t believe it and so I kept after the nurses to move me faster. And they did.
Just like his brother, Huck latched on like a champ at the first attempt. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been worried that nursing this time might not go as easily as last, but it seemed as if we were good to go. I’ve always thought God gifted me with easy nursing and a good supply since everything else pregnancy and delivery related was tough. I can’t give birth the old fashioned way but I do get to nurse them. I love nursing. I love the nuzzling and little grunts. I know that if I formula fed I would still have these things, but there is something in me that is so very grateful that I am able to nurse.
We nursed and dozed off and on and before long Bob-Bob and The Boss came to visit! My stomach was jangling with nerves. How would this be? Would The Boss be happy? Mad? I needn’t have worried. Grandpa held Huck and Max tentatively leaned over, smiling his huge melt-my-heart smile and said “Hi Baby Huck”” and then Huck opened his eyes for the very first time. He not only opened his eyes but he focused on The Boss. It was amazing.
The Boss scrambled up on the green vinyl hospital couch and said “Sometimes Mommy let’s me hold the baby. I have to ask first. I am gentle with the baby. I sing a little baby song.” lines from the book we had read every night for months about being a big brother. TOTT placed Huck in The Boss’ arms and he smiled and squealed “I’m a Big Brother”
And my heart grew three sizes. Grinch style.