The Emmys- Riding the Crimson Wave.

So. The Emmys. They were last night just in case you missed them because you were hibernating in a cave, forced to watch football or praying Michelle Bachman away.

This year Emmy fashion had two speeds. Neutral and Red. There were some gorgeous, gorgeous looks, some embarrassing shows But mostly everyone was really, really, really safe.

Really safe. Like, boring.

But the bads? Were really bad. Two of the worst are people I love to hate. Well, one…Gwynnie.  Oh Gwyneth Paltrow how I want to smack you in your sanctimonious pursed lipped face. I always thought you were kinda a brat, but what with your sanctimonious mothering articles and complaining about your “Big Jewish nose” (her words, not mine!) your place as Queen of Pretension is well sealed. What on Earth made her think this was a good idea?

Gwynnie..eat pray puke.

 

Lea Michelle in Marchesa…heaven. Puffy sleeves are hard to pull off, but Miss Michelle does it well. Rachel Barry may be my nemesis…but even I can admit when Miss Michelle is looking good. The dress has lots of intricate details on the sleeves and a killer drop back, so she keeps the hair and jewelry simple. Beautiful. Although for real? The posing? Is a bit poseur. Know what I mean, Jean? {I’d like to thank everyone on twitter for backing me up that Leah Michelle is farking annoying as all get out. And I mean it Leah Michelle. GET OUT.}

Christina Hendricks went color neutral in order to balance out that Ronald McDonald hair. She rocks it better than Ronnie. No doubt. She’s not one of my favorite actresses but her in  this dress by Johanna Johannson is. It’s new but looks crazy vintage…it’s perfect, elegant old Hollywood.  The champagne color of the fabric and beads are delicate but it must weigh a ton. Also I dig that she is W-O-M-A-N. Curves. Boobs. {Pale. Let’s hear it for the pasty ones! Represent!} Unfortunately it doesn’t photograph as well as it should because trust me, it was divine.

Juliana Marguilles in Armani Prive… WTF! It’s like someone tacked the top of some Ikea-esque mirror display on her top.And the bottom? I’m pretty sure it was latex. Lubed up latex.  I know, I know, couture is art but now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. The End.

Because really? She’s like some sort of great space condom. with Pearls for her ‘pleasure’. By pleasure I mean, nausea. Obviously.

Also in Armani Prive was Padma Lakshmi. Liquid gold. Lick. Wid. Gold. I believe they might be actually awarding miniature statues of her. Also I want every single piece of her jewelry collection.

My kingdom for that bod.

It hurts me. Heidi Klum’s Siriano hurts me. But I think it’s just because I’m having a sense memory flashback from when I sliced my foot open on a coral reef.

She’s still ridiculously gorgeous.

I do believe John Krasinski belongs on the top of a wedding cake. My wedding cake. Yum.

It’s cool though. Cause Emily Blunt is awesome, so I guess it’s cool he got hitched up with her.

 

I love Amy Poehler. And Will Arnette. They are both adorable and funny, what’s not to love? Oh, I know. Her dress. Designed by Body Glove? Does it double as a scuba suit? I think it does. Whatever, she is still awesome.

Zooey Deschanel is ridiculous adorable and not just anyone can pull off a pink ball gown (*cough* Gwynnie *cough*) and a partial bouffant, but Zooey is just the schizz. I still don’t think it’s a great look, but she is so damn cute and unique that if anyone is going to wear a barbie pink dress it oughta be her. Poor Hipsters and Indie rockers, we mainstreamers are usurping her ASAP. (And as soon as I find a picture of her, I’ll add it!)

Dianna Agron, so beautiful. Why is she wearing this bedspread from That 80’s show?

Sofia Vergarra. Life is not fair.

And she’s funny. Life is just not fair.

Hey! Young Hollywood? This is how you do it.

Fresh, elegant, a little sexy. Just lovely all around.

Garcon! Can I have a club soda with lime? Thanks.

It pains my heart to even write that. I did my very first commercial with Joel McHale and he was so nice. . Success could not happen to a better guy. I’m thrilled for him. But not for that jacket. Emmys? Joel could host. Just saying.

Highlight: Jane Lynch. LOVE HER. Her gay agenda was hilarious. I’m from LA and there we just call the Gay Agenda…Agenda. It usually involves shoe shopping and delicious Margaritas on Santa Monica Blvd. I am way okay with the Agenda. Also, Melissa McCarthy winning. Low: that damn sound that repeated through the whole farking show making me INSANE. tell me you heard it? TELL ME?

So, my best dressed are… I can’t decide! I’m torn and for me this year there is no clear cut winner. What do you think? Sofia Vergarra? Laura Linney in her black mini and sexy shoes? There is no head and shoulders above everyone else winner.

Worst Dressed: Easy. Gwynnie, and Julianna Marguilles.

 

Who are your best and worst dressed? Do you love to hate certain actors as I do, knowing that all we have is the information that is put out there for us? Gwynnie might just be a really awesome  non-pretensious gal. But I doubt it.

What say you?

 

*photo credits Getty Images*

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Well, now where will I go to scream at bad parents on TV?

So the Kate plus 8 finale was Monday night and in an interview Kate Herself says she feels oh-so-bad for all the millions of devastated fans.

I like to picture her as Madonna in Evita as Eva Peron singing Don’t Cry For Me TLC Fans (the truth is you’ll never lose me..I’m already shopping another reality show idea!)

KatePeron

I myself AM devastated. Devastated in a oh-were-you-still-on-tv? kind of way. Wherever will I go? Whatever shall I do? I mean, there just isn’t another spray tanned mom with hair extensions and acrylics pimping out her kids on tv to watch!

Oh wait, there is still Toddlers and Tiaras and Dance Moms. Whew. Deep sigh of relief. Personally I think T&T and Dance Moms are worse that John and Kate, or Kate plus 8 or Kate and Kate and Kate times 8. (and yet I watch) I do wonder-I mean, these kids have been filmed since they were tiny. Everything has been recorded. Everything. If I close my eyes I can still see a certain potty training episode…shudder. Let just say that somethings that should have been blurred out weren’t and leave it at that, shall we?

Will Facebook and Twitter (or whatever new fangled social media is all the rage when they come of age) be enough to fulfill the need for a public life for these children or will they be forever seeking out attention and applause in other ways. And if we are making bets on which one ends up stripping, well, my money is on Maddie.

Honestly I hope the kids turn out well, go to college, and live out nice normal lives and grow up to write blogs about their own children like nice normal people.

Sheesh.

 

BTW- tomorrow is my birthday random buy me things day!  Also, have I pimped out and exploited my smallest lately? I’d hate to leave my fans- my millions of fans devastated...

picnikfile_qh9JFN

{so I says to her mommy, I’m three months old now. I can negotiate my own reality show deal}

Sister Wives, say what?

Sister Wives is over. Whatever will I do???  When does Big Love start? Because Lawdie, I love me some polygamous family tv. Reality. Scripted drama. Doesn’t matter to me. Of course as an ex-Mormon; which is a story for another day….but as an ex-Mormon I can tell you that never once in all my Mormon life did I ever meet up with anyone who was just a waiting for polygamy to make a big comeback.

Plus? None of the Mormon boys I dated could really handle one girl, much less four. Actually, if TLC is a listening…I’ve got some names for you. Serious comedy will ensue. For. Reals.

But whatever random splinter group of Mormonism supports polygamy, I’d like to thank them. What on earth would I do on Sunday nights without your shows?  I mean, the Big Love- Sister Wives kind of polygamist natch  The bizarro Cultish, Compound living, big hair kind that marries off it’s teeny boppers girls and kicks out it’s young boys…don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Know what I’m saying?

But I digress. Sister Wives. Are you guys watching this trainwreck of sad/awesomesauce? 

So, Barb, Nikki and Margene all live in one big house with their just sweet enough to not be a total douche husband Bill….wait, crap. I’ve got it all mixed up again. Sister Wives is Big Love true life, you know without the Hollywood casting. The threesome is Meri, Janelle and the Margene one whose name I can never remember because her look at me-ness makes me cahrayzay, but they all seem to be kind and to genuinely care about one another. They certainly seem to care about one another more than their husband does, and honestly even more than he seems to care about his hair. Which is a lot.

I must admit that my enjoyment of this show is derailed (sticking with the trainwreck analogy) by how much I worry about Barb errr…Meri. First wife or not this woman has the sads. And not the cute I has the sads, the serious kind. The possibly medication might be a good idea kind.

Also a good idea? Finding a husband who will listen when you bare your soul about how taking yet another wife will break your heart. Unless she is freaking Meryl Streep {and she is not} that was one of the most sad panda things I have ever seen in my whole life. This woman needs a hug big time. I want to take her for a spa weekend and just give her pep talks for days. She hurts my heart.

I mean just her unexplained infertility is the sadness. And then bam! Two more wives who just pop out bambinos on the yearly, and here is poor Meri. Just waiting for her time to come. It never comes, you guys. And now? Brunette Barbie Robin is on the scene. Robin is 30. Meri and Kody have been married for 20 years. Nothing says happy anniversary like marrying another woman who could have been flower girl at your wedding! I mean, if she could have gotten out of fifth grade to attend. She’s skinny, sweet and you know the Trinity just bitch about her behind her back no matter how much they say they love her.

I also was especially thrilled with how shocked they all were that they were being investigated…WHA???? Outting ourselves on TV means people know I am a polygamist? Quelle surprise.

Here is the thing I don’t understand…and I REALLY need someone to explain it to me. How is this illegal? Morally icky, yeah. Totally wonking up your kids…yes! Good TV…HELL YEAH! But illegal?  I don’t understand.

Say Kody is married to Meri (which he is legally) but cheats on her with three other women and has kids wtih them. He provides for them and is involved in their lives, but the wife doesn’t know. He’s clearly scummy, but can’t be arrested. I mean, I guess he could on adultery charges, but have they arrested anyone for that since 1702?

The only difference between that situation and this Sister Wives sitch is that all the women know and agree to it. And actually have pretty strict rules about how this whole thing works. So how is this illegal when only ONE of them is legally married and the others are basically mistresses who all agree to this arrangement.

Make no mistake, I think it’s gross. But illegal? I need some one to explain to me. Please.

I also need to know when the next season starts, and can I give them make overs??? I really want too. We’ll start with the shoes. I have a testimony for cute shoes.

{photo source}

the truth, the whole truth.

Max at The Wiggles ]

I cannot tell a lie. I am 25. Okay, I can tell a lie and that one was it. So now you’ll know I am telling the truth from here on out. It’s a truth that was hard to come to grips with. It’s a truth that rocked the way I feel about myself. It’s a truth I need to face.

Here is the truth:

The Wiggles? Were awesome.

From the moment we arrived it was nothing but a blast. The place was obviously bursting with all the kiddie energy and it would be easy for all the teens managing the front of the theatre to be grumpy about ten bajillion toddlers running around dressed like four dudes from australia, a dinosaur, and a pirate, but they weren’t. They were loving it.  One guy, about 18 years old charged every kid who wanted to come in a high five and a ‘beauty mate’ to get in. The Boss got a big kick out of that.

But I think TOTT and I got a bigger kick out of it.

Listen people, I have done my fair share of kids shows and it is a rare thing when the true joy of performing for children shines through. It was clear from the first note that The Wiggles, love their job and more important than that, they genuinely love children. It was a near two hour show and those cats never stopped moving. What a ride!  They take the time to read every sign the kids have made and go into the audience to collect roses for Dorothy and bones for Wags.

Someone may have made the three adults who were sitting on the aisle move so that someone’s toddler could get to the aisle and give his roses and bone to Sam Wiggle. That was a wise move on my, I mean someone’s part, because then The Boss was able to get his Hush-a-bye Your Bear groove on free range style. Seriously, the leaders of the world should attend more kids concerts. Those little buggers were dancing and grooving and playing together, no thought to race or religion or even physical ability. Further proof to me that hate must be taught. Kindness is our natural state of being, my peeps! Don’t mock but it was really very touching to look up the aisle and see hundreds of kids all dancing and singing together.

We were ten kinds of sad and twenty kinds of dissapointed that The Boss’ fav Wiggle, Murray {the king of guitars, natch} wasn’t there. The Wiggles had kindly provided a little something for the ladies in his understudy, a 6’5′ dude named- wait for it- Ringo. He was fantastic, except for one thing…he doesn’t play guitar. Never fear, The Boss’ VERY favorite character Captain Feathersword to the rescue! Now, I myself have mocked the good  Captain on the daily but that guy does it all. Guitar, bass, acrobatics, and he was high-larious.  I want to do a show with that guy!

I had been so grumpy when TOTT had spent the day getting us tickets while I took down wall paper, but it was so worth it.

 As a performer I was envious of them and I appreciate what they do. As a mother, I can only say I am grateful. It was a wonderful experience for The Boss. And judging by all the parents singing along, it was pretty good for them too.

Newsies! Get your papes! And also the Parade de Douche heads back into town!

If I eat it [the rose] I can take it into my soul and no one else can ever have it ~ Kyle, The Bachelorette.

It’s Bachelorette time! Squee! I can’t decide if I love the Bachelor better or Bachelorette. It’s like Sophie’s choice up in this joint! I mean, on one show there is a bevvy of buxom totally insane chics and maybe one or two normal ones who will never get picked *cough* Melissa *cough*, but on the other show there’s utterly idiotic doucheberg’s having the most bizarre pissing contest evah.

I love it. And last night the Parade de Douches came into town in a line of loonies worthy of mardi gras. It’s gonna be a good season. They got all Lord of the Flies on the introductory episode, so I’m pretty sure that soon it’s about to become a Survivor/Bachelorette blend. Or maybe Running Man. Whatever, this season is headed to a dark place. Suicides, stalking, and girlfriends! I can’t wait!!! If you want to snark and giggle, join me and TOTT  on Twitter during the show!

Change of subject:

I was approached by NVIDIA about my netbook and how much I love it, which I do, and they made this little video of me! Check it out! (also, file in narcisissm)

 Things we can mock:
1.my voice. what the heck? I am so squeeky. I guess that’s why I book a lot of character cartoony- voice overs.
2. My outfit at the park. It was laundry day. Also, horrible posture and excellent muffin top. Tossing that sweater out as soon as I find it.
3. TOTT in his shorts. Awesome tan. But how cute is he?
It was a blast to shoot! And since I do love my netbook, it was no lie.

One last bit of biz:
Hopefully you’ve all noticed my little message at the top of this blog! Look up…go on. Yup! We are mooooooovin on up. (to the East Side). You know how you can do your own mani/pedi and dye your hair, maybe give yourself a facial and you look in the mirror and think “dang! Well done me, I look pretty good!” but then like, for your birthday or Mother’s day you get to go to the salon and someone who really knows what’s going on fancies you up and you look in the mirror and think “dang! what was I thinking that I could do this to myself! This is so much better!”

I’ve done my best to give this blog it’s home grown mani/pedi and touch up it’s roots (lamest analogy ever.) but dialmforminky.com is working it’s way through salon de NapWarden. Bless her heart she has worked her magic and very soon we will be unveiling the new look and also making the big leap! The URL will remain the same, but I don’t want to lose a one of you! So I hope you’ll help me move by coming along for the ride. No heavy lifting required!

That my friends, is what a random recap blog post looks like. Lamesauce, but it had to be done! Back to the funny on the morrow!

WWJD, its not what Sonny would do!

Godson Ben is Stachetastic.
Zach may be having too much fun with this iPhone app.

Ah. Los Angeles. I woke up this morning looked out the window and saw my palm trees! I am home. I do love D.C. but being here…I just feel at home. I LOVE LA.

WWJD came and picked us up and now we are in the land of Weeds and Big Love. Santa Clarita!
We are settled in at the kitchen table, the baby is napping and we’re catching up and gabbing about General Hospital and tearing Sonny Corinthos a new one. I mean…if we could in real life we got a thing or two to tell him.
Like…uh, saying “I wouldn’t have shot Dante if I’d known he was my son!”
Because shooting an unarmed cop is A-ok as long as they are not your son.
WWJD and I both love GH, in college we had class from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. General Hospital was on at 2. Perfect for grabbing some chow and collapsing on the living room floor with all our friends to watch.
Even to this day I love watching with friends because we all comment, laugh and yell at the screen.

It’s funny because this week we actually ended up having a great chat about how far we would go to protect our kids, since Sonny is,yet again, excercising excellent parental judgement by getting Michael out of the country. Whille I myself may not agree with Sonny’s choices, I would stop at nothing to protect my kid. Especially if like Michael, he was innocent. And believe you me, Max better be innocent. I believe in responsibility for your actions, so I am already working with Max on cause and effect and consquences for his actions.
I mean he’s 19 months so it’s basically ya know, if you throw your food then you’re done eating. We’re not talking grounding him!
But if God forbid Max were in danger…I’d stop at nothing to keep him safe. I worry about bullying. I worry about gangs at school, and I worry about if I would overeact to it. Will I be the mom who marches into the principal’s office at the drop of a hat?
I’d like to think not. I know that one of the hardest parts of parenting is letting your child fight their own battles and teaching them to be strong and true to themselves. For now our battles are small and easily negotiated. Share your toys, no hitting, the easy stuff. But I know that soon enough there will be fighting and wrestling. And then dating, and learning how to treat girls with respect while negotiating the bizarre ego filled world of young adulthood.
So strange how General Hospital caused a whole talk about how far we would go for our kids. It’s pretty damn far. I’m guessing you would go to the end of the earth too.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I hear the little one waking.  I’m going to go and enjoy this gorgeous afternoon and just throroughly enjoy watching my kid play with WWJD’s son.

Again, it’s just as it should be.

Name drops keep falling on my head…

picture from GeneralHospital.tv, decoration by moi.

Whoohoo! What a good week in Soap Land, although still no word on my Embassy and my diplomatic license plates have not yet arrived. I’m wondering if I have immunity in Port Charles because if so, I am headed there right this very minute to kill a stripper. (What? That is what diplomats are always doing on Law & Order? ) Then I can totally say to Mac: “I have immunity. You cannot touch me. Go make out with the D.A.”

 I’m picturing some sort of vaguely evil Russian accent when I say it.

One flaw in my plan, there are no strippers in Port Charles anymore because Coleman the Evil and Despicable who forced Jason’s old love Courtney the Good and Pure to strip is now just Coleman. The dude who hosts karaoke at the bar and refuses to serve underage minors, even if they are the Mob Boss’ son.
Everyone in Port Charles clearly suffered some sort of Flash Forward moment, except that instead of seeing the future they all had their minds erased of Coleman’s past evilosity.

Thus exhibiting one of my favorite things about Soap Life. I love it when whole characters are miraculously shifted (or aged, or recast) to suit the new story line. Love it! My fav example of this is Rick, Sonny’s half bro who was sooooo evil what while married to the Lovely Liz (now in the looney bin for sleeping with the Brothers Grimm), he kidnapped Carly and kept her (pregnant with Sonny’s actual baby) chained to a table in a back room of his house. Poor woman. A table? Dude, I have most comfortable bed evah and I was crazy uncomfy when pg. He could have at least chained her to a Lazy Boy recliner!  Is Rick in jail? Oh no. He is a big wig lawyer man in P.C., and had a baby with Alexis, who also has a baby with Sonny.

Hmmmm. Rick and Sonny are way more grimm than Nikolas and Lucky( a.k.a. the Brothers Grimm) and yet Alexis? Not binned once.

This week begins Sonny’s Murder Trial (part duex) for murdering his wife Claudia and HOLY BUCKETS! (did it work? Can I pull it off?) Dakin Matthews  is playing the judge! Squee of delight as, to quote Buddy the Elf: “I know him!” Dakin is a huge deal in the LA Theatre world, working all over creation in everything from small under 99 seat houses to the Ahmandson, where he did Jersey boys with my future brother in law Mahmood! He is a rock star and while I never was blessed to work from him he was always kind and generous with both compliments and advice.

Sooooooo, Sonny was on trial before when he shot Carly,  but he isn’t on trial yet for shooting Dante yet…maybe later. Unless Dante suddenly has a come-to-daddy moment. ( He ‘accidentally’ shot himself.) Anything is possible.

Sonny  is *gasp* innocent this time, he lied to protect his son Michael who actually murdered Claudia (Sarah Joy Brown). (sidenote *total name drop #2, I met SJB at a party/fundraiser at a mutual friends house and she is tiny. Tiny. She has bird bones. If you sneezed on her she’d probably fall right over.  Except that she is all muscle. So if you sneezed on her she’d probably be like ‘eeeeewwww!’ and then junk punch you and you’d fall over. So make yourselves a note: Self, don’t sneeze on SJB. It’s rude. Also? she gave me the last chocolate covered strawberry, so she’s good people.)

Anyway, Sonny lied to protect his son Michael. Of course Sonny isn’t actually Michael’s baby daddy, Carly was straight married to AJ (Jason’s brother) who was a total loooooser, but after lots of drama, Sonny and Carly’s star crossed status got un-crossed and the Mob Boss steps to the plate as the exemplification of the good father. Daddy!!!

Here’s the thing, if they had just told the truth from the start (I know…I know,what am I thinking?)it would have been fine, but nooooooooooooooooooo.
If your step-mom kidnaps your 9 month pg mom (this time by Jax; which is a whole other kettle of fish and also reminds me that I still miss Brenda) and takes her to a remote cabin in the woods where mom goes into stress labor and pops out a baby sans drugs and then threatens to leave your mom to die and takes the new, amazingly large and clean, baby…well then, you’d have to stop her! And Michael didn’t mean to kill her…but oh no! Sonny and Jason have been outside the law too long people. They’ve no idea that sometimes shizz just happens and telling the truth is good. Ah well…how else would we get to glimpse into the slow destruction of Michael’s mental state?

Oh! Liz/Michael hook up in the Looney Bin? Stranger things have happened.
Whatever. I can’t wait for next week, cause yay! more Dakin!

*I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other General Hospital branded items to facilitate my review.

I shall now be known as Madame Ambassador

I’m waiting for them to tell me where my Embassy will be located in Port Charles. Near Sonny’s Mansion? Near the Metro Court Hotel? Windemere??? Where is my EMBASSY?!?!? What? I don’t get an Embassy, just some awesome insider knowledge and possibly a tote bag and a coffee mug?

Well, that’s awesome too.

Oh yeah. Mom Central selected lil ol General Hospital loving me to be a GH Mom Ambassador. It’s my first foray into marrying two of my loves, Social Media and GH (three if I get my hands on that coffee mug! Coffee!!) and I’m dang stoked to be a part of it. (did ya catch the dang? Lent people. I’m rocking it! No slip ups today…yet.)

This is a good deal on several levels, the least of which is that when The Lying Liar Who Lies (aka Zach) gets home from work early and interrupts my GH time he cannot whine “can we change the channel?” because Dude!  Did he miss the part where I am AMBASSADOR! (Do you think it’s going to my head? I’m drunk with…well, not power…but something!)

Now, Zach might tease me with the GH love but just the other day he straight schooled me on the intricacies of Liz’s brother returning to Port Charles and just how messed up it is that Sonny was married to Johnny’s sister and LuLu was with Johnny and now Johnny is with Olivia and LuLu is with Dante who is Olivia’s son – with Sonny!  Whew. (I knew all of that of course, but it was just amusing that the lad protests too much, know what I’m sayin?)

I’ve blogged about my GH love before, and of course my love for Liz. Poor Liz. Image of an Angel. Behaves like a lady of the night. Three babies, three baby daddies! This new one on the way…is it Nicholas’s? Or his brother Lucky’s? Either way the moral of the story is if you bang both of the Brothers Grimm they will put you in the looney bin.

Nice.
Such is the stuff of General Hospital. Where everyone is gorgeous and has amazingly large engagement rings. Where there are like, only two criminals in the whole place and the police chief can’t make a charge stick. He’s too busy making out with the D.A. (who has a daughter by the head mobster, natch)
I love it.
Plus, I get a nifty badge for my blog! And you…yes, YOU can enter to win a trip to LA and a walk on role on GH. Sigh. I never got to be on GH. I had a rocking lil part on PASSIONS, which was so fun, but Passions was no GH. No. No it wasn’t.
You can enter till Feb 28th, so get your hot little booties over there and ENTER! Because it would rock my socks if one of my readers won!
*

*I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other General Hospital branded items to facilitate my review.