I was married before.
Did you know that? Maybe you did. I don’t talk about it a lot, or ever really. For a long time I wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen. It was a figment of my imagination. Because even though the dates from the marriage certificate to the dissolution on marriage certificate spanned 5 years, we really didn’t have a marriage. If ya know what I mean.We had a fabulous party where everyone said things like “couple of the century!” and “perfection!”
To be honest, we threw one hell of a party.
The problem was we all so created one hell of a partnership. And not in the cool way. In the actual living hell way. It’s not that he is a bad man, he is not. His heart is good. He is funny as all get out and crazy talented. He was wild and care free and he would have been perfect for me when I was 19. Now that the years have passed and I can look back (and hear tales of him now and again from a mutual friend here and there) I can smile and enjoy his successes. He is not a monster. But together we were monsterous.
I knew I shouldn’t marry him. I used to lie awake in our loft bedroom listening to him snore and try to figure out how to tell him I couldn’t go through with it. There were so many warning signs. Lies he told, second thoughts I had and then lies I told by not being honest about how I felt. I made so many jokes about it to my friends that Sister Dub, WWJD and BFJen had a little meeting to see if they should say something to me.
On our wedding day I begged Janice (WWJD) to take me to the beach.
I don’t know if you’ve ever stopped a moving train with your bare hands but that is what stopping a wedding must be like. It has a life of it’s own. All the energy from everyone’s excitement is more fuel for the train, which just moves faster and faster.
I stood at the wedding and took my vows, smiling nervously and feeling as if I was going to throw up. It was wrong. I was wrong. And the worst part was that he seemed to have no idea what a mistake we had made.
To say things deteriorated quickly is an understatement. We were just too different and while the stories are good I resist writing about them…some of them are hilarious. Our views of right and wrong were very different. Also, it wasn’t just the two of us in the marriage. It was me, him and marijuana.
I laugh when people belittle marijuana as not a real drug. Because if you are an addictive personality you can be addicted to anything. And an addict that doesn’t know he is an addict is the worst kind.
I left him for the first time before our first anniversary. I stayed gone for four months, we worked on it, we fought, we cried. Finally I went back. I told myself that I had gotten MARRIED and you don’t just walk away. I made my bed, so to speak.
I left again about 6 months later. We were oil and water. It got bad, really bad. I brought out the worst in him, and all I had to offfer him was judgement and disdain.We separated and got back together four times in five years.
One day the words just flew out of my mouth. There was no ramp up. We weren’t discussing anything of importance, just a Saturday morning and I opened my mouth and “I want a divorce” came out.
I used to never want anyone to know. I was embarrassed. How could I have gotten married and divorced? Me. Divorced. It was upsetting to say the least. I never wanted my boys to know. Ever. How could they know of my failure?
But then, if I hadn’t had that failure I wouldn’t have them.
Walking out of that house that fateful Saturday morning was like getting out of jail. I felt free. I was free. So was he. From all reports he is having a great life and that makes me really happy. I’m pretty sure he is happy I left too, now!
Because of my first marriage I was able to really know who I was and what I wanted. I was able to recognize the real thing when it came along. Through moving, job loss, living with the in laws, postpartum anxiety and more fights that I can count it has never occurred to me to leave TOTT. We are right for each other. He’s stuck with me!
Plus I don’t think Sister Dub, WWJD and BFFJen would want to be bridesmaids again. I think twice is the limit, huh guys?
After all this time and all the shame I can honestly say I have no regrets.
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