I think I’m broken

You guys? I think I might be broken. I mean,  everyone with the same chromosomal make up as yours truly is all ahem, worked up over two things. 1. 50 Shades of Grey and 2. Magic Mike.

I’ve no interest in either. In fact when I saw the preview for Magic Mike it was all I could do to not scream out “that furniture is UGLY!” Also Matthew McConaughey makes me need  Silkwood Shower and a shot of penicillin the moment my eyes set upon him. Plus he was all on the Today Show saying how weird it was to be nekkie and dance like that. Uh-huh.  Me thinks the guy who was arrested naked playing the bongos and hardly ever wears a shirt protests too much.

Mike, I will never want this wagon wheel coffee table. 🙂

As for Christian Grey and Anna Steele…maybe I am just a 12 year old boy at heart but I think I would just giggle the whole time. Maybe it’s awesome and I am really missing out, but I get the giggles just thinking about reading it. Also apparently there is a lot of spanking. The word spanking makes me giggle. Spank. Ing. I am so mature.

Or maybe it’s just that I hear Ellen DeGeneres reading it in my head and that gives me the giggles.

Are we women SO uptight and high strung in real life that we need these seemingly teenage escapes to unleash up? (mind you…I’m not judging; whatever floats your boat!) I mean, a movie about male strippers and a national craze over a book whose craftmanship has been referred to as stilted and relies on tropes that anyone who’s ever sat through 15 minutes of a high school writing workshop would know to avoid.   (cough, Twilight, cough)

Maybe I am broken and wrong and Magic Mike’s random furniture creations are in fact incredible and I should be rethinking my whole decor style. Maybe you’ll riot and demand that I turn in my woman membership card. All I know is neither of these  make “My inner goddess [is] do[ing] the merengue with some salsa moves.

Her inner goddess is dance confused. Poor inner goddess.

 

 

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Another reason Gay Marriage is an insult to the institution.

Oh wait.

So…yeah. Unless you live under a rock you’ve heard the earth shattering and out of left field never to be expected news that Katie Holmes’ lawyers finally found an out clause and have negotiated an early release date from her prison cell.

I mean Katie and Tom are divorcing after a contractually obligated 5 years.

The world responded with a deep sigh of “FINALLY”

First of all, though it pains me to say it, TC was epic in Rock of Ages. Epic. Like that dude should get an  Academy Award nom for it. He lived, breathed, and um…other bodily functioned that part. But the whole time I was watching it, I kept thinking how pissed Katie must have been that she wasn’t in it. (side note- there was not enough of my boyfriend Will Forte in it. Clearly a grave casting mistake was made when he wasn’t given the role of Alec Baldwin’s, ahem, right hand man.)

Also, the Doctor who mixed up Suri did a good job, that is one cute little girl. I hope Katie has her tucked away like all her Dawson’s money in a Swiss account, because we all know Tom isn’t fond of losing custody. All ranting aside, I think they have done a great job with her and I hope they take good care of her during this. It sucks when mom and dad break up no matter what the situation is.

Thank GOD we aren’t letting couples who have the same number of XX or XY chromosomes get legally married. It’s important that we keep the institution of marriage sacred for reality shows and Hollywood contracts.

 

Welcome to the new site.

(For clarification, the real subject of this is that the logic that gay marriage would ruin the sanctity of marriage is flawed. Also? Turn in to the Bachelorette on ABC!)

an open letter to Mama Llama

Oh Mama Llama. We have all been there, sister friend. We have. It’s one of those bedtimes that never ends. “I need a snack. I have to potty. One more story! Can I have a drink of water?” And after the 200th request you’re like go the eff to sleep, am I right?

Let me just say it’s not that I think you don’t love Little Llama. I do! I mean you say it flat out:

Little Llama don’t you know, Mama Llama loves you so.

It’s just that…well. You look really pissed when you bust into to the bedroom. Maybe you have some sort of syndrome where your outward physical appearance doesn’t match what’s happening on the inside? If so, forgive me. All I know is that I am an adult and if my mama gave me that face I’d be afraid. I’d be very afraid.

Maybe after you drop the phone, race up the stairs, and run down the hall, take a second before you head into the kid’s room to just breathe and rearrange the face into something a bit kinder looking It’s one of those age old struggle’s of motherhood, don’t let the kiddo know we sometimes can’t wait for them to pass out so we can check out Pan Am on the old DVR and raid their Halloween candy.

I say this all with love, but I fear that if you don’t soften that face Little Llama is going grow up to be one of those Llama husbands who just watches football in his boxer shorts while drinking beer and screaming at his own kids. And really, you don’t want that now do you?

And hey if you need some one to get those frustrations out to just hop on the twitterz. We’re there for you Mama.

Love, Me.

Well, now where will I go to scream at bad parents on TV?

So the Kate plus 8 finale was Monday night and in an interview Kate Herself says she feels oh-so-bad for all the millions of devastated fans.

I like to picture her as Madonna in Evita as Eva Peron singing Don’t Cry For Me TLC Fans (the truth is you’ll never lose me..I’m already shopping another reality show idea!)

KatePeron

I myself AM devastated. Devastated in a oh-were-you-still-on-tv? kind of way. Wherever will I go? Whatever shall I do? I mean, there just isn’t another spray tanned mom with hair extensions and acrylics pimping out her kids on tv to watch!

Oh wait, there is still Toddlers and Tiaras and Dance Moms. Whew. Deep sigh of relief. Personally I think T&T and Dance Moms are worse that John and Kate, or Kate plus 8 or Kate and Kate and Kate times 8. (and yet I watch) I do wonder-I mean, these kids have been filmed since they were tiny. Everything has been recorded. Everything. If I close my eyes I can still see a certain potty training episode…shudder. Let just say that somethings that should have been blurred out weren’t and leave it at that, shall we?

Will Facebook and Twitter (or whatever new fangled social media is all the rage when they come of age) be enough to fulfill the need for a public life for these children or will they be forever seeking out attention and applause in other ways. And if we are making bets on which one ends up stripping, well, my money is on Maddie.

Honestly I hope the kids turn out well, go to college, and live out nice normal lives and grow up to write blogs about their own children like nice normal people.

Sheesh.

 

BTW- tomorrow is my birthday random buy me things day!  Also, have I pimped out and exploited my smallest lately? I’d hate to leave my fans- my millions of fans devastated...

picnikfile_qh9JFN

{so I says to her mommy, I’m three months old now. I can negotiate my own reality show deal}

Name drops keep falling on my head…

picture from GeneralHospital.tv, decoration by moi.

Whoohoo! What a good week in Soap Land, although still no word on my Embassy and my diplomatic license plates have not yet arrived. I’m wondering if I have immunity in Port Charles because if so, I am headed there right this very minute to kill a stripper. (What? That is what diplomats are always doing on Law & Order? ) Then I can totally say to Mac: “I have immunity. You cannot touch me. Go make out with the D.A.”

 I’m picturing some sort of vaguely evil Russian accent when I say it.

One flaw in my plan, there are no strippers in Port Charles anymore because Coleman the Evil and Despicable who forced Jason’s old love Courtney the Good and Pure to strip is now just Coleman. The dude who hosts karaoke at the bar and refuses to serve underage minors, even if they are the Mob Boss’ son.
Everyone in Port Charles clearly suffered some sort of Flash Forward moment, except that instead of seeing the future they all had their minds erased of Coleman’s past evilosity.

Thus exhibiting one of my favorite things about Soap Life. I love it when whole characters are miraculously shifted (or aged, or recast) to suit the new story line. Love it! My fav example of this is Rick, Sonny’s half bro who was sooooo evil what while married to the Lovely Liz (now in the looney bin for sleeping with the Brothers Grimm), he kidnapped Carly and kept her (pregnant with Sonny’s actual baby) chained to a table in a back room of his house. Poor woman. A table? Dude, I have most comfortable bed evah and I was crazy uncomfy when pg. He could have at least chained her to a Lazy Boy recliner!  Is Rick in jail? Oh no. He is a big wig lawyer man in P.C., and had a baby with Alexis, who also has a baby with Sonny.

Hmmmm. Rick and Sonny are way more grimm than Nikolas and Lucky( a.k.a. the Brothers Grimm) and yet Alexis? Not binned once.

This week begins Sonny’s Murder Trial (part duex) for murdering his wife Claudia and HOLY BUCKETS! (did it work? Can I pull it off?) Dakin Matthews  is playing the judge! Squee of delight as, to quote Buddy the Elf: “I know him!” Dakin is a huge deal in the LA Theatre world, working all over creation in everything from small under 99 seat houses to the Ahmandson, where he did Jersey boys with my future brother in law Mahmood! He is a rock star and while I never was blessed to work from him he was always kind and generous with both compliments and advice.

Sooooooo, Sonny was on trial before when he shot Carly,  but he isn’t on trial yet for shooting Dante yet…maybe later. Unless Dante suddenly has a come-to-daddy moment. ( He ‘accidentally’ shot himself.) Anything is possible.

Sonny  is *gasp* innocent this time, he lied to protect his son Michael who actually murdered Claudia (Sarah Joy Brown). (sidenote *total name drop #2, I met SJB at a party/fundraiser at a mutual friends house and she is tiny. Tiny. She has bird bones. If you sneezed on her she’d probably fall right over.  Except that she is all muscle. So if you sneezed on her she’d probably be like ‘eeeeewwww!’ and then junk punch you and you’d fall over. So make yourselves a note: Self, don’t sneeze on SJB. It’s rude. Also? she gave me the last chocolate covered strawberry, so she’s good people.)

Anyway, Sonny lied to protect his son Michael. Of course Sonny isn’t actually Michael’s baby daddy, Carly was straight married to AJ (Jason’s brother) who was a total loooooser, but after lots of drama, Sonny and Carly’s star crossed status got un-crossed and the Mob Boss steps to the plate as the exemplification of the good father. Daddy!!!

Here’s the thing, if they had just told the truth from the start (I know…I know,what am I thinking?)it would have been fine, but nooooooooooooooooooo.
If your step-mom kidnaps your 9 month pg mom (this time by Jax; which is a whole other kettle of fish and also reminds me that I still miss Brenda) and takes her to a remote cabin in the woods where mom goes into stress labor and pops out a baby sans drugs and then threatens to leave your mom to die and takes the new, amazingly large and clean, baby…well then, you’d have to stop her! And Michael didn’t mean to kill her…but oh no! Sonny and Jason have been outside the law too long people. They’ve no idea that sometimes shizz just happens and telling the truth is good. Ah well…how else would we get to glimpse into the slow destruction of Michael’s mental state?

Oh! Liz/Michael hook up in the Looney Bin? Stranger things have happened.
Whatever. I can’t wait for next week, cause yay! more Dakin!

*I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other General Hospital branded items to facilitate my review.