cicadas. hurricanes. earthquakes. I must really love my husband…

So cicadas. Yeah. Do you have them? Because we do and they are seriously terrifying on a biblical river of blood, ten plagues kind of way. They make this horrifically loud noise, thousands of them all at once and then suddenly shut up. All at once. They are also roughly the size of a VW bug. Okay, maybe that might be a slight exaggeration but they are big and horrible. Clearly, along with clowns, they are the work of Satan.

Seriously? This is smaller than actual size:

A mere two months ago Jen B. Shaw was nearly MURDERED IN HER CAR by cicadas. I mean, really. They have no shame! So anyway, today I was headed out to see some of my best East Coast gals at the Disney Summer Social, and you know that means I got all kinds of fancy. Like, I bathed and wore pants that zip and button and everything! It was just like the old days when I would go out clubbing except there was far less glitter and platform heels and far more toddler tv shows happening in order to you know, bathe.

I decided to go whole hog for this event and dust off my curling iron. And I mean that literally. I had to dust it off, it’s been that long since it was used! There I am jamming away to Simon and Garfunkel’s Only Living Boy in New York (because I rock hard like that) and suddenly I hear the chirping. I freeze. It’s not outside…it’s in the room with me! Do I run from the room or try to find it? It’s so loud and the chips are echoing thoughout the bathroom. I think it’s over in the corner between the shelf and the bathtub…I man up and take a peek. As soon as I get close it stops.

I decide to be a big girl and just curl my hair and head on out to “The big Mickey party” as the Boss had been calling it. There I stand, harmonizing with rocking vocals of S&G when the mutherf^&**())(*^&^ cicada FLIES AT MY HEAD.

I’ll give you a minute to absorb what I just told you.

You breathing okay?

Obviously I drop the hot curling iron-somehow escaping without a burn- and race from the loo screaming like a three year old being forced to put on shoes. Oh. my. gawd.

After I drank a gallon of vodka I had enough courage to go back in. Coffee of course being the morning vodka of moms. I heard nothing. I thought I was safe. I started getting ready again. The evil cicada launched it second attack at my head.  I dropped the curling iron again, this time it landed into the sink as I flattened myself against the wall.

And then the little sucker made a mistake. Instead of attacking me, it headed for the curling iron. The very hot curling iron.

 

Rest in peace you fried evil flying monster.

 

Now I need a new curling iron.

 

This week we’ve had an earthquake, flying pestilence and now we prep for a hurricane. With my in-laws. Because we live with them. I must really love my husband.

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That sound? Is my dignity scurrying away…

{photo by kate monroe}

Yup. Tuesday was three flights. Three. With a toddler who was crazy over tired. From Salt Lake City to Chicago and from Chicago to Atlanta and Atlanta to Myrtle Beach. Each leg of the flight brought an ever smaller plane and  cranky toddler to tears.

By the time we landed I was done, TOTT was done and The Boss was DONER THAN DONE. Done.

Our flight didn’t get in until 10 p.m. and The Boss was rubbing his little red eyes as he showed off his new somersaulting skillz to his great grandparents. He rock and rolls and he just plain rolls. The Boss- multi talented.

A quick dunk in the tub and we commenced getting his new alligator pj’s on.

My mother in law- Ma- was giving him belly zerberts and kissing him up and down when she  held out her hand and asked for a diaper.

I proceeded to hand her a tampon.
Nice. She said I don’t think that will do.  Indeed not,  thought I. Blushing a bit and handing her  a good old fashioned Huggies overnight. Much more suitable for a 23 month old boy, don’t you think?

I then handed her the A&D diaper ointment and said: here is the K-Y.

Oh, Mah GAH!!!! What did I just say? HERE IS THE K-Y???? Now my mother in law is cool, but still! I was so embarrassed and tired I just started giggling uncontrollably. The giggles came back and bit me throughout the night and even a time or two today.

I die. I am so embarrassed! And the worst is I can’t even explain to her that I had K-Y on the brain for an innocent reason! I was just reading about how some people use K-Y to attach baby bows to their little baby girls head.

Say what?  Is this common practice? Random. Hello, that’s what eyelash glue is for peeps!

Oh well.  Perhaps after one more nights sleep I will be able to tell the difference between A&D ointment and K-Y.

Let’s all hope, non?

Who’s your Mommy?

I do believe that my beloved TOTT has mommy brain. Or mommy on the brain. Or something. TOTT is the Director of Operations for a non-profit. He’s very busy and important. Or so he says, but really I think he’s just sneaking off to eat cupcakes at Georgetown Cupcake in the middle of the day and that’s why he’s always late. I kid, he works very hard and believes in what he is doing. I respect that so much. He puts out a lot of fires and handles basically everything that can come up and so when he got an email the other night informing him that something or other wasn’t working he hopped on the computer and took care of it from home, quickly shooting off an email responding to the woman who alerted him to the problem. The email went a little something like this. There has been no editing.

Mommy,

I’m sorry. I don’t know why that didn’t work. Ours is not my first choice for a web-site program. Try it again and let me know.

-Zach

Excellent.  Luckily she was cool about it..


Mommy Brain. It’s not just for Mommies anymore.


*Note her name does begin with an M and end with a Y, but let’s not let that stop us from teasing him alright?