cicadas. hurricanes. earthquakes. I must really love my husband…

So cicadas. Yeah. Do you have them? Because we do and they are seriously terrifying on a biblical river of blood, ten plagues kind of way. They make this horrifically loud noise, thousands of them all at once and then suddenly shut up. All at once. They are also roughly the size of a VW bug. Okay, maybe that might be a slight exaggeration but they are big and horrible. Clearly, along with clowns, they are the work of Satan.

Seriously? This is smaller than actual size:

A mere two months ago Jen B. Shaw was nearly MURDERED IN HER CAR by cicadas. I mean, really. They have no shame! So anyway, today I was headed out to see some of my best East Coast gals at the Disney Summer Social, and you know that means I got all kinds of fancy. Like, I bathed and wore pants that zip and button and everything! It was just like the old days when I would go out clubbing except there was far less glitter and platform heels and far more toddler tv shows happening in order to you know, bathe.

I decided to go whole hog for this event and dust off my curling iron. And I mean that literally. I had to dust it off, it’s been that long since it was used! There I am jamming away to Simon and Garfunkel’s Only Living Boy in New York (because I rock hard like that) and suddenly I hear the chirping. I freeze. It’s not outside…it’s in the room with me! Do I run from the room or try to find it? It’s so loud and the chips are echoing thoughout the bathroom. I think it’s over in the corner between the shelf and the bathtub…I man up and take a peek. As soon as I get close it stops.

I decide to be a big girl and just curl my hair and head on out to “The big Mickey party” as the Boss had been calling it. There I stand, harmonizing with rocking vocals of S&G when the mutherf^&**())(*^&^ cicada FLIES AT MY HEAD.

I’ll give you a minute to absorb what I just told you.

You breathing okay?

Obviously I drop the hot curling iron-somehow escaping without a burn- and race from the loo screaming like a three year old being forced to put on shoes. Oh. my. gawd.

After I drank a gallon of vodka I had enough courage to go back in. Coffee of course being the morning vodka of moms. I heard nothing. I thought I was safe. I started getting ready again. The evil cicada launched it second attack at my head.  I dropped the curling iron again, this time it landed into the sink as I flattened myself against the wall.

And then the little sucker made a mistake. Instead of attacking me, it headed for the curling iron. The very hot curling iron.

 

Rest in peace you fried evil flying monster.

 

Now I need a new curling iron.

 

This week we’ve had an earthquake, flying pestilence and now we prep for a hurricane. With my in-laws. Because we live with them. I must really love my husband.

21 thoughts on “cicadas. hurricanes. earthquakes. I must really love my husband…

  1. Ugh. Double ugh. I am very squeamish about bugs too. I did not know cicadas were back. 7 year cycle. The last time the cicadas were in these parts I had to go camping with my daughter’s troop. there is nothing worse than having to rake dead cicadas off the ground so that you can put your tent up. Ick.
    I never made it to you at the disneysocial event…had to manage my tween a bit as she was super bored. oh well her brother and I had fun! You look great. Congrats on the new baby.

    • Raking dead Cicadas, lawd I know what my nightmares will hold tonight! I love how we both smiled and waved at each other at Disney and then had to take off after our kids! It was lovely to see you, even if it was just from across the room!

  2. I distinctly remember a really really bad cicada year when I was a kid on Long Island – after they hatched or shed or molted or whatever it is there were dead cicada bodies EVERYWHERE. I don’t think I went outside for months.

    I hope you left the dead cicada’s body prominently on your windowsill as a warning to all his dirty little friends.

    • I should have mounted him on a pike like they used to do to the criminals. We are starting to see some dead shells now and gah! they are gross and freaky!

  3. dude.
    DUDE.
    dude.

    you are far braver than i. i’d have given up the curling iron business OR i’d have yanked that baby out of the wall and found myself another place to get ready.

    i’m convinced something is up with those nasty, ugly, horrifying bugs.

    there was one sitting on the ledge by my front door monday morning and as my oldest walked out to her bus and i went to kick away what i thought was a giant, ugly beetle. instead of being successful the thing screamed at me. no lie, screamed. like deep throated scream. i was thankful lex was down the stairs and almost on the bus because i promptly slammed the door. and it might have been on her if she’d been close.

    yeah, i need to work on my bug issues.

    i immediately regret my decision of not watching where it escaped to, as i now fear it is stalking me.

    i think it would have been a lot better had i had a hot curling iron to throw at it. damn.

  4. Two things: cicadas ARE the work of Satan. Just ewww. They leave their creepy ass skins all over the place. If that is not the work of Satan, I don’t know what is. And those Toddlers and Tiaras girls are, by far, more made up then me. Just the other day, I was thinking: I wonder if I could hire one to come teach me a spray tan thing or two. I mean, when you’re out done by a 5 year-old in mascara prowess and have cicadas launching themselves at your head: it’s purely time to call it what it is: the rapture.

  5. I laughed. I’m so sorry. Your trauma should not be my source of entertainment.

    I also laughed at all the screaming people at the zoo in Chicago a couple of years ago when the 17 year cicada invasion thingy happened. That is, I laughed until I was similarly assaulted while walking innocently through the zoo.

    Those things were EVERYWHERE.

    • Oh please, I am thrilled my trauma is your entertainment! They really are evil little buggers. I hate them, but it was a cautionary tale that needed to be told.

  6. I truly hate those things, we get them every 17 years for about a month and it ruins my summer, they are everywhere!!!!! I’m right there with ya!!! If you spray them with hair spray they stop flying too! Just a tip. Lova ya, Your Ohio cousins

  7. It looks like they showed up early. They shouldn’t have been back until 2013. (by which time you would be living in Santa Barbara if I have anything to say about it.) I hate those things. I seriously stayed indoors except for going to and from my car the whole time they were around the last time. At least it only last 3-4 weeks but it’s terrifying to be attacked by one. Well, by 2021 we’ll have you living on the right side of the country and you won’t have to worry about those nasty beasts. Please see to it that all cicadas are gone by October. Thanks. 😀

  8. doooood.
    you and i? we are alike.
    i am *that* mom…the one who abandons her children and runs, screeching, from wasps, junebugs, and cicadas. and crickets.
    i’ll take the cicadas over roaches, though. i can’t imagine living in a humid climate and dealing with those bastards.

    • Can I just admit that Max is lucky he was not in the room with me because I would have offered him up as a sacrifice, I would have been all “take my precious child and not me!” That is how much I hate them. I lived in an apartment in LA where our neighbors had roaches and at night they would come into my bathroom. I loathe those bastards. Nothing is grosser than roaches

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