The Guilt and the Lie. (Part two)

{Dr. TOTT.Available for all your birthing needs. As long as all you need is someone to make you laugh.}

There I lay cuddled in bed with my sweet boy, the light of my life. The baby in my belly gives a stretch, whoosh, more fluid. The Boss makes me laugh, whoosh, more fluid. I feel the panic rising in my throat, how to say goodbye to this…this precious just-him-and-me relationship right now. I know I need to get out of his bed and fast, it feels as if a whole swimming pool is escaping me.

And so I tell a lie.

I finish Ratatouille, say 1,2,3 STARS! Max’s stars! and turn off his light waiting until his glow in the dark stars light up and he says “mommy! It’s outer space, do you see the moon?” then I say “I do baby!” and I tell him I love him to the moon and back a billion times. He says “just wike big nut bwown hauh” I hug him so close, so close I try to transfer some of that beautiful Burt’s Bees bubble bath smell to me. I inhale his hair, I kiss those chubby cheeks, which are easily some of the yummiest cheeks in the history of ever. I try not to cry, simultaneously my heart is breaking to leave my sweet only child and thrilling to meet the little one who has been worrying me for so long. I know tonight I will become a mother of two and The Boss will become a Big Brother. A role I know he will be amazing in, but one that will force him to share the attention.

Now, The Boss?Well, his mommy and daddy are talkers so it’s no wonder that he himself, is into a late night chat. His falling asleep monologues are fast and furious until he tires himself out, snuggling close to me and his breathing steadies. Sometimes about space travel, usually about going to ‘guitar store’ and seeing John (Lennon’s) guitar and Paul (McCartney’s) bass. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day, and I know tonight I cannot stay for it. I tell the biggest lie I’ve ever told to someone I never want to lie too.

Mommy will be right back, I just have to potty.

He’s two, almost three and he knows how important getting to the potty is. He clutches at me, begging me to stay and I know I cant let him see how hard this is for me. I’m grateful that it is dark and we are lit only by the stars and his birdie nightlight. He can’t see the look in my eyes as I kiss him again, memorizing his sweet face one more time. He can’t see me wipe away a tear before it falls on his rosy cheek. I tell him to have sweet dreams and I love him and that I will be right back. Right. Back. Those words hurt. I scoot to the end of his big boy bed, whoosh, checking to see if his sheets are wet. Nope, still dry. Amazing.  As I sit to push myself up, whoosh! there it is. The very end of his bed get it. Oh, well…his feet can’t touch that. We will change his sheets in the morning. No reason to upset his routine anymore than usual.

I managed to hobble out of his darkened room, telling him I loved him and ignoring his plaintive cries to come back and snuggle. Went immediately into the bathroom, pausing only to say the sentence that sends men into a panic, second only to I’m pregnant is:

my water broke.

Suddenly we are starring in a 1950’s sitcom. TOTT has his hands on his head saying what do we do? I tell him to call my doctor while I go to the restroom to clean up, a useless act as the water just keeps coming.  I hear him on the phone telling her that my water broke and my contractions are two to three minutes apart, which they are and have been all day. Will we even make it to the hospital in time?

You’d think with three trips to the hospital behind us, we would have our bags all packed but nope! TOTT scrambles to get everything while I toss the last few things in my bag and before we know it we are in the car racing through the dark to the labor and delivery wing that we now know oh so well. It was so exciting. I went into labor with The Boss, but the C-section was already scheduled for the next morning and as quickly as my contractions started my denial started as well. This time, I was getting to do it all. Contractions (sure for two months), water breaking and I was hoping with all the contractions and pressure that surely I was dilating well and would be able to push this baby out the old fashioned way and all my birthing dreams would come true!

When TOTT and I are nervous we sort of, well we sort of become the Zach and Stephanie show. We are both performers at heart and we don’t know how to handle any stress other than to turn on the comedy.  By the time they wheeled me back to L&D and placed me on the scale, the same one I had stood on just three days earlier and weighed one pound less, I had all the nurses cracking up with a whole routine about how I could now scratch ‘go out in public with wet pants’ off the old bucket list.  As a Frequent Flyer I now knew almost all the nurses, most were amazing, two were not. I was scared I was going to get one in particular who actually made me cry three days earlier…thankfully she was a day nurse so I escaped her until well after Huck was born in which case she had to shut her whore mouth because THE BABY WAS HERE AND I WAS NOT IMAGINING THINGS. I hated her, but she was extra kind to me post delivery, maybe she will be nicer to the next mom who going into pre-term labor. Lesson learned, lady? We had a fun night full of contractions and laughs.  A quick check by the doctor announced that I was completely dilated! Nope. Sorry. Not dilated at all. I’d been a ‘fingertip’ for two weeks, which was reassuring before but was now frustrating! The contractions were getting so strong and I was starting to have to stop to breath through them, which was tough because that meant shutting up for a minute or two,and you know how hard it is for me to shut up!

Are you one of those moms who missed their baby an hour after they go to bed? I am. As soon as The Boss is sweetly asleep and I’ve had 45 minutes to myself, all I want is my baby again. Even if my ‘baby’ is almost 40 pounds of non-stop Beatles and Green Day! I miss him. In between contractions TOTT and I talked about The Boss and how he has the book I’m a Big Brother memorized. We reminisced about his birth and talked about how this was going to be good for him. A sibling is a blessing. But still my heart was heavy. I lied to my boy to escape to birth his brother. Something that will rock his world in a good way and force him to change the way he sees the world and his family.

I labored all night,turning down pain meds with stubborn hope that I would push this baby out drug free. The doctors were nervous about it, with The Boss’ C-section I had been cut both horizontally and vertically because he was so tightly wedged in there and this upped the chance of rupture. But they allowed me to give it the old college try. After 8hours I had made absolutely no progress and due to the fact that I had been contracting for so long and there was merconium in the amniotic fluid, plus with the previous C-section that we would go ahead and do another. I knew this was a possibility and honestly all I wanted in the end was a healthy baby and to go home to my beautiful Boss, so the choice was a sad but good one.

I have never been more scared in my life than my C-section with The Boss. I had good reason to be scared, it was a rough c-section that reminded me clearly of the last scene of Braveheart. You know the one, where they rip his guts out? My recovery took ages. I was in so much pain and had so much internal bruising due to his position that the idea of going through that all over again was not something I was looking forward too. But baby was starting to need to come out, and quickly so off they wheeled me into the OR and we prepared to meet Baby2ElectricBooglaoo and make the Boss a Big Brother for real.


Part three on Monday!{I swear!}


You say good bye and I say hello.

I am terrible at good byes. Just awful. The day we left Los Angeles I practically clung to Sister Dub screaming and wailing.  Getting in that car was the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m still sad about it, and try not to think about that. But this post isn’t about my weeping and wailing at leaving my home.

It’s about the night my beautiful Hooligan Huck was born.

Now, Huck isn’t an actual hooligan. So far he is just as sweet as a hot fudge sundae at the Cheesecake Factory, which by the way is the best hot fudge sundae around. Justsoyouknow. But I like to make the Boss laugh, and when Huck shakes his little fists like the Notre Dame mascot I like to do my very favorite County Clare Irish Lilt whilst telling him silly tales about Hooligan Huck. Oh, that great toddler laugh!

The idea of saying goodbye our time alone, Just The Boss and me, was too much for me to bear. I spoiled him, I cuddled him, I knew that our days just the two of us were dwindling to a close. But how to mourn the loss of that time while thrilling to the addition of a new tiny one was simply mindboggling to me.

The second time I ended up in the hospital I spent a half an hour snuggling him, trying to tell him over and over how much I loved him that I was proud of him and that he was reason we wanted another baby. Reassuring him that no matter how big he got he would always be my baby.  I left him and we raced to the hospital thinking Huck was on his way and praying he would be safe and healthy. But I left part of my heart behind, snuggled in his big boy bed with squishy guitar and big squishy guitar. It was bittersweet. And then Huck stayed put. The Tuesday before Huck was born we had a regular appointment with Dr. H. My contractions were two minutes apart and she quickly sent us off to the hospital. Again. Thankfully TOTT was with me that day, so he and The Boss headed over to the L&D floor where the ‘babies come from’, this was great as The Boss now had a visual of where Mommy was going and where Huck would be arriving.

He loved it. Soon enough TOTT took The Boss home for a nap and I stayed in L&D room 4 watching bad cable tv and contracting away. 37 weeks exactly. It’s a lot less scary at 37 weeks than it is at 30 weeks, I’ll tell you that much! But my heart was heavy. In The Boss’ little life I am the one who puts him down for every nap, every bedtime. I do most of the meals…even on bedrest I would climb from my bed into his to read Llama Llama. There was many a night when I was exhausted and bitter that I wished TOTT could do just some of it. But the truth is that I set it up that way. I made sure I was the one who did everything because I am selfish and I want The Boss all to myself. There I admitted it. I waited so long to have a baby, I wasn’t even sure I could have one and then here is Max (The Boss) and he is so amazing. I am jealous when he wants Ma to give him a bath or Bob Bob to take him out to swing or Daddy to play guitar with him. I love having a break but I want to be the only star in his sky. Selfish of me.

I never would have turned over care of him if I hadn’t been forced. And you know what? It turned out brilliantly. Daddy is fantastic at putting him to bed and they are closer than ever.

I never would have given up nursing him if I hadn’t been forced. And that turned out okay as well. He cuddles me more now that he isn’t boo-ing.

But the thought of saying good bye to his only child-dom loomed over me. How to close the most profound period in my life? How to say goodbye to the two of us versus the world? Even knowing that something beautiful was coming that would make our lives even more spectacular didn’t ease my sadness over the closing of this chapter. Yet at the same time I was thrilled to be pregnant, to have another precious boy, to give The Boss the gift of a sibling. Opposite yet equal emotions waged war in my heart at all times.

On Friday I was having contractions like mad. I even told TOTT these seemed different. I was so used to contracting at this point that only the big monster ones even caught my attention. These were painful and felt as if they were pushing down. That was new…but I didn’t worry. I had been told this was the way it was going to be until I really went into labor, my water breaking or dilating.  So business as usual! Although I did tell Ma the baby was coming today, just to tease her since she was going out of town!

That night The Boss and I snuggled in his bed giggling and going over our day before starting to read our books. Three a night, that’s the routine. Halfway though book one I felt (and heard- I swear to God!) two little pops like rubber bands breaking and then – oh heavens, what was that?

Well. Water. Broken. And boy did it break! So there I am reading, and thinking that I better get out of this bed or The Boss is going to be sleeping in a wet bed and it won’t be his doing.

Decision made, out of my hands yet again.


{I’m breaking this up because holy long post Batman!}

On Demand.

The On Demand feature on both of these has been widely employed this past week:

{Tiny peanut!}

He seemed a great deal bigger when he was in here:

Forgive me taking the week off last week. I was, y’know, in the hospital until  Wednesday and all sore and drugged up the rest of the week. Plus I really just wanted to snuggle my boys (my.boys! boys! two boys! mine. ALL MINE!)  and tweet silly Percoset induced tweets, while watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

Tell me, you’re watching the crazy right? My summer is made with that show and the new addition of Ice Loves Coco. You guys? I think Ice really does love Coco. *wipes tear*

We are settling in, and I am working on Huck’s birth story today, what I remember of it. I am missing a big chunk of time but it’s okay. He is here safe and sound and that is all that matters.  And THE BOYS? Are getting along famously. The Boss is amazing. Just amazing. We’ve had a few little jealousies, but far and away he wants to hold, kiss and play with his baby brother. I think the picture from their first meeting says it all:

Huck hadn’t opened his eyes yet. Not once. Until The Boss came in the room and said “Hi Baby Huck” really softly and what do you know? Huck opened those baby blues and looked right at The Boss. The entire family pretty much died of cute right then.

As for me, I am sore but happy. Tired but euphoric. But if someone could please tell my right boob that we only had ONE baby it would be greatly appreciated. I’m currently rocking one left boob that is just the right size, and one right boob that looks like Coco’s. And it hurts. A lot. I resemble a badly botched boob job, and in fact I’d take a picture but that would mean getting dressed. Or just posting pics of my junk on the internet for all to see and since I am not a Senator or Congressman I’ll spare you. ( I mean except for the belly shot…belly shots don’t count right?)

I’m sure you can imagine. But there is hope for me, I mean if Ice really does love Coco, and I think he does…TOTT can surely put up with my freakish appearance for a while, non?

And also there is this…

{power to the tiny people}


And he is SO worth it. So, so worth it.


Boy Meet World

I am proud to announce that Henry “Huck” Robert Dulli was born today, June 4th 2011 at 5:55am. Huck is 7.5lbs and 19inch. long. Both Mom and Baby are doing great.

-Zach aka TOTT